The Daily Blurb

The Blurb is on Hiatus

2011-01-29T14:50:00.002-05:00

Hello, Sports Fans.
The Blurb is going on hiatus so that I may bring the wit, wisdom and Worcestershire you've come to expect as faithful readers to the masses of Burbank, California, and beyond.
So this isn't farewell, per se ... more of a See You in SoCal!
Visit The 818 Now to keep up with my adventures on the West Coast, where I hopefully will catch up on the past few months. You can also follow me on Twitter.
As Cecille DeVille once said to my friend, see you 'round like a donut!

What your stride in the subway station says about your destination

2010-08-27T17:31:00.000-04:00

I meet my wife at the train station every day after work. Usually I get there first, leaving ample time to observe the rush of commuters on their way to the trains.

Commuters come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and numbers of appendages. Just as varied are their strides, gaits and speed as they navigate the distance between the entrance gates and the platform. I’ve observed my own rate of speed depends on where I need to be once I get off the train, so I’ve extrapolated the speed vs. destination to provide an observer’s guide to traveling in the subway station.

The one-step-at-a-time approach: You either still remember the Hoover administration, or you reeeally don’t care to get where you’re going. You will, however, glare at every passer-by who nudges by you. It’s likely you’re on your way to your own execution.

At a medium pace: Normal, everyday walking signifies one thing on your mind – that you were at point A, and you will be at point B in the future. Probably locked into the daily grind, and you look forward to going home, tossing your workbag aside, making dinner, and watching TV. This was your plan the night before as well. And the night before that. And the night before that.

The hip shimmy: You’re just enough in a hurry to pass that guy in front of you, but not hurried enough that you would jog. So your body contorts in a dance of spasm-walking as you reach the escalators. This dance may be easily recognized, as nothing above your waist is moving. You’re likely just trying to catch a train or eventually a bus because if you miss it, you have to wait a half hour for the next one.

The dodge-and-weave: You likely never played sports, but if you did, you’d likely be practicing this move during football drills. Your added hustle indicates there’s a time-sensitive event you need to make. Or, it’s just Friday and you can’t spare a minute of the weekend.

Warp speed: The jangling back slung around your back was never engineered for high-performance mobility, but you don’t care: There’s a Paul McCartney concert two stops away and if you don’t beat this rush you’re stuck with the mutants in the back of the auditorium.

Ludicrous speed: You won the radio contest offering a date with your favorite actress, and you don’t care how many old ladies you need to knock out to get to that train. But by God, you will be on that train.

Overheard in Marketing

2010-08-13T20:03:00.003-04:00

Today at work I was on a team talking about improving our already very cool software. I can't say what the conversation was about, but at one point I was able to relate our software to Kingdom of Loathing ... and was actually taken seriously.

Review: 2012 (As presented in conversation form on Facebook)

2010-08-12T14:36:00.006-04:00

Because of the popularity of the recorded Facebook conversation I had with my wife, we have returned to provide you with our review of the movie 2012.

I should note that the Mayans had predicted this coming - we just interpreted it wrong. Modern society has believed that the Mayan calendar predicts a cataclysmic disaster ending all things in 2012, but actually they predicted the film 2012 is a cataclysmic disaster.

And they were right. Oh dear Noah how they were right.

Burn Notice proves only cockroaches, Chuck Norris and Bruce Campbell will survive the apocalypse. But the cockroaches and Chuck won't survive Bruce.

2010-08-11T15:42:00.006-04:00

When Bruce Campbell is dead, people will visit his grave as they might for Jim Morrison, John Lennon or Elvis. It helps that Bruce has actually played Elvis in a movie - he probably knows what he's in for.

A guy like Bruce doesn't have to toss out money when he takes the stage at Comic-Con; his reputation and enormous head (am I being figurative or literal here? I don't know) precede him well before he arrives in the room. I saw this first-hand as Marcy and I waited in the loooong Burn Notice line hours before the actual panel began. Bruce Campbell is the only celebrity whose face appears on two T-shirts that I own. He is also the only celebrity I am interested in who also owns his own line of soup.

Attending a Comic-Con panel for a show/movie/comic book/artist you've never experienced or heard of is like going on a blind date, and halfway through the date the girl tells you she's famous and you feel guilty for not having known that. Then you go home and watch the TV series she's in, and it turns out she kicks ass on TV and you've decided she kicks ass in real life too so you get married and have babies. Ass-kicking, chainsaw-wielding, demon-skeleton-warrior killing, babies.

That's how I felt after completing the first season of Burn Notice, a show that has absolutely no business being at Comic-Con except to give Bruce an excuse to attend. As if he needs one.

The show centers around Michael Westin, a spy who is forced out of his chosen profession (they call it getting burned) and so he returns to his hometown of Miami to help the Golden Girls fight drug lords. Betty White's performance is great; the others are a little stiff.

One of Michael's friends is Sam, played by Bruce Almighty. Sam's schtick is to have friends in every level of government so as to provide necessary information/exposition about the bad guy of the week. I'm waiting for him to call in the Girl Scouts to help crack the case of the cookie bandit.

It's a great show, providing ample opportunity for Bruce to get his ass kicked and kick some ass. I'm ready to fire up Season Two.

Hail to the King, baby.

Catholic school girls and guns: How Kick Ass addresses stereotypes in mass media

2010-08-02T21:02:00.003-04:00

The girls at St. Greg's didn't mess around.

There's this moment in Matthew Vaughn's Kick Ass, at the beginning of the third act, when Hit Girl fakes the little-girl-lost-in-the-big-city routine to waste three thugs guarding the doors to a crime lord's high rise. Before she guns all of them down, one of the thugs approaches the cute little 11-year-old in the plaid Catholic school dress, and just before he offers help the camera stays on her just a beat too long. Like it's giving the men in the audience another minute to consider: Am I supposed to be turned on here, or is ogling this little girl as wrong as I think it is?

It is wrong. So very, very wrong. Ew. And as I do for the downfall of American culture, the rise of Trailer Park Chic and communism, I blame Britney Spears. At least she was 16. NOT 11.

Because you were going to look it up anyway.

As the recipient of a 12-year-long Catholic school education (beginning with St. Greg's, then St. Joe's and finally, St. John Fisher), I don't remember the girls ever seductively hiking their skirts up or unbuttoning their blouses to their navel, and I really don't remember them carrying concealed weapons. I remember a girl named Katie stealing a kiss on my cheek when I was in second grade and me running away from her. I remember an awkward first kiss with another girl, years later, much in the way of Kick Ass' first kiss in the movie.

She was not armed either.

For some reason this scene with Hit Girl made me pause, and I think it's because to this point the movie had me guessing at what Vaughn would change next. The whole first act is beat-for-beat the same as the comic book (minus the Big Daddy/Hit Girl back story), but the gleeful gore splayed across every page by splatter-happy John Romita Jr. was, for the large part, missing. No, that's not right - it was there, just not as in-your-face and uncomfortable as the comic. (SPOILER: When the bullet slings through Big Daddy's skull and forces his eyeball out, I literally stared at that image for a full minute to comprehend what I was seeing).

So Vaughn swaps out this discomfort for other moments - Kick Ass' awkward first kiss (another watery change from the book), the bumbling-ness added to Red Mist, and the subdued sexuality of Hit Girl ... WHO IS 11 YEARS OLD (it's even referenced by one of the nerdy characters that are Kick Ass' friends, who pledges to save himself for her when she gets older!!! DUDE.).

It's weird to see how pop culture (and the Japanese) picked Catholic School Girl as a sex fantasy, but maybe I was desensitized at an early age. When you have to look at 50-year-old nuns wearing similar outfits, well ... there are some things you just can't unsee.

As for Kick Ass, I'd see it again. Yes, the entire second act is reworked to give it more mainstream appeal. Overall, the changes work - it sacrifices the character arc of the comic for a more palatable storyline suited to the tastes of a wider audience, one that is looking for more than violent images threaded together with an angsty storyline.

And frankly, I left all my angst back in Catholic School.

The Costumes of Comic Con, Part 2

2010-07-29T22:48:00.007-04:00

Overheard at Comic Con 2010

2010-07-28T21:50:00.004-04:00

Mom: "I'm just excited to see all the freaks.

Son: "They're not freaks, Mom, they're just nerds."

"I used to write the best romance stories. Don't let me forget to tell you about them." - Stan Lee

"Kill All Humans" - sign held by a guy in a Bender costume next to the Westboro Baptist Church protest

"I'm a filmmaker. I'm currently collaborating with Bill Plympton on a five-minute short on the Holocaust." - a 6-year-old kid at the question mic during the Phineas and Ferb panel

"Wow - I may be calling you with questions." - "Swampy" Marsh, co-creator of Phineas and Ferb

"Farts smell because they come out of our butts." - kid behind us in line

Dude 1: "Aw, dude - I stink!!!"

Dude 2: "It's Comic Con; we all stink."

The Costumes of Comic Con, Part 1

2010-07-28T21:35:00.011-04:00

Ten Things I Learned About Humanity While Attending Comic-Con

2010-07-28T21:09:00.004-04:00

10. Purchasing plastic toys is a privilege, not a right.

9. Some consider soft pretzels to be a food group.

8. Tattooing your entire back to resemble the cover of a comic book gives you the right to walk around topless, and the right to act put off when someone stops you to take your picture.

7. There are celebrities that get the pop-icon thing and can respect their fans (James Marsters, Bruce Campbell) and there are those that don't (CC Sabathia).

6. Limo drivers are a wealth of information, such as the one who first asked us "Are you famous?" then proceeded to tell us what a jerk CC Sabathia is.

5. Strippers love Comic-Con.

4. Jerry "The King" Lawler is orange.

3. The same people who will haggle over paying $8 vs. $10 for a first printing of Man-Thing #1 will eagerly pay $15 for a soda and hot dog at lunch.

2. There are many things that can bring people of all stripes together: Attractive celebrities, counter-protesting the Westboro Baptist Church, waiting in line for toys, and laughing at others' misfortunes.

1. People stink.

Miracles and disappointment: Comic-Con Day One

2010-07-22T01:08:00.008-04:00

There's a reason I didn't title this "Preview Night." That's because Comic-Con Preview night is dead.

Taking its place is a tacked-on extra day where attendees squat at their favorite vendor for an opportunity to purchase the "exclusive" merchandise and get it on their eBay store before the next guy in line does.

But let me back up a minute, because my first experience at Comic-Con does indeed have a happy ending. Mine was a circuitous route around animators, artists, journalists, writers, dreamers, thinkers and doers. But mostly, I had to avoid the humanity.

I found myself always looking up, and more than once this caused a pileup with a lady on a Lark. My first order of business: Check off some items on my shopping list. The two souvenirs I hunted were blessedly at the same booth: Hasbro. But the line just to be able to purchase anything went twice around the booth, to the point it was cut off. This was at 6:10 p.m. The show opened at 6.

Really, Comic-Con? On Preview Night, which is only supposed to give a hint at what's to come, you are so packed with people your vendors have to shut their doors 10 minutes in? At least I got to take pictures of the items I wanted, even if I was too unworthy to wait for them in line:

Marcy, our friend Jillianne and I continued through the hall. We passed Mjolnir, and were given Galactus hats. I had my picture taken with a life-size Lego sculpture of C3PO, and obtained the two most recent issues of Kick-Ass. We visited with a few of Marcy and J-Lo's friends in the industry, eventually ending with the Whaleboy booth (more on him later). Their former co-worker, Ed, is one of the creators, and as we chatted with him a co-creator interrupted us. He received a text from a third collaborator who was elsewhere in the hall.

"Hey - did you guys know Hasbro is selling a $65 Galactus?" I replied I had, as I visited the booth earlier.

Their friend was in line, thinking of purchasing one.

"Wait - he's in the Hasbro line?" Jillianne shot back. Before I knew it an order was being placed for Iron Man, Doctor Doom and The Mayor.

And 15 minutes later, they were in my bag of goodies. I was the unwitting beneficiary of The First Miracle of Comic-Con.

(Watch me on Twitter tomorrow for periodic updates live from the panels at Comic-Con 2010. And I have a feeling more miracles are on the way.)

T minus 6 hours and counting

2010-07-20T20:12:00.002-04:00

Geek shirts: Check.

A/V equipment: Check.

Zombie supplies: Check.

See you at Comic-Con Preview Night.

Comic-Con Comic Agenda

2010-07-19T14:19:00.004-04:00

Much like my post on the movie agenda, it's time to break down what I'm really there for ...

THURSDAY

10:15-11:15 DC Comics Writers Unite!— Originally a successful panel at WonderCon 2010, "Comics Writers Unite!" (see the Comic-Con Souvenir Book for a transcript) brought together a number of special guests to talk about the art of writing. Part of a series of programs at this year's Comic-Con celebrating "The Year of the Writer," this panel features special guests Paul Levitz (Legion of Super-Heroes), Dennis O'Neil (Batman, The Question), and J. Michael Straczynski (Superman, Wonder Woman), along with Gail Simone (Birds of Prey, Secret Six), Judd Winick (Justice League: Generation Lost, Power Girl), and moderator James Robinson (Starman, Justice League of America).

11:30-12:30 Dumbrella— Artists from Dumbrella, one of the most popular online comic collectives, discuss webcomics, independent publishing, and subverting popular culture. Feel free to quiz Andrew Bell (The Creatures in my Head), Meredith Gran (Octopus Pie), Jon Rosenberg (Goats), Richard Stevens III (Diesel Sweeties), and Chris Yates (Chris Yates Studios) about anything your Internet heart desires.

12:45-1:45 Marvel: Breaking into Comics the Marvel Way— Welcome to the House of Ideas, where the doors have never been more open to new talent than today! Talent liaisonC. B. Cebulski is joined by special guests Brian Michael Bendis, Matt Fraction, Skottie Young, Humberto Ramos, and more to talk about what it takes to make yours Marvel as a profession, from writer to artist to editor and more! Do you have what it takes? Come find out!

1:00-2:00 Video Game Comics: The Next Big Thing— Are video games the biggest thing to hit comics since superheroes? Richard George from IGN explores this phenomenon, along with representatives from Dark Horse, EA, IDW, and WildStorm. Featuring some of the hottest video game properties in comics: Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Gears of War, Fallout: New Vegas, Army of Two, God of War and more, this is one panel fans of either medium won't want to miss!

2:30-3:30 I Can't Write, I Can't Draw, But I Love Comics!— There are tons of jobs in the comics, animation, and gaming industries besides writing and illustration. Companies still need computer programmers, motion-capture actors, retailers, agents, development executives, and publishers. Learn how to get your foot in the door without spilling any ink. Panelists include Rudy Coby (Labman), Jacob Melvin (DreamWorks), Joseph Gatt (God of War), Derek Douglas (Digital Development Management), Steve Goldstein (Stubbs Alderton & Markiles), Matt Cohen (Killspace Entertainment), Jud Meyers (Earth 2 Comics), and Filip Sablik (Top Cow Productions). Moderated by science/tech journalist Susan Karlin(Discover).

4:30-5:30 DC Comics' 75th Anniversary— 75 years ago Major Malcolm Wheeler-Nicholson started a comic book company (National Allied Publications) that pioneered the use of new material (as opposed to comic strip reprints) in its books. In 1938, Action Comics #1, featuring Superman, came along, and the rest -- as they say -- is history. And what a history it is! DC Comics celebrates its 75th anniversary this year. Moderator Paul Levitz (writer, editor, and former president and publisher of DC) starts the Comic-Con celebration with panelists Dan DiDio and Jim Lee (co-publishers, DC Comics), Geoff Johns (chief creative officer), and Comic-Con special guests Jenette Kahn (former president and publisher),Dennis O'Neil (writer/editor, Batman), and comics legend Jerry Robinson (Batman).

5:45-6:45 Marvel: What's Next: Welcome to the Digital House of Ideas— Get the inside scoop on the all-new, all-improved, all-awesome Marvel.com, Marvel Digital Comics, and Marvel Motion Comics. With the launch of the groundbreaking Marvel Comics app in the iTunes App Store, this has been a historic year for the Digital House of Ideas. Now, find out what's next! Meet fellow fans of Marvel Digital Comics Unlimited and find out which of the hundreds of completed series in the service everyone's talking about. Plus, get caught up on Marvel.com's free streaming animated shows, how to "Create Your Own Comic" and "Super Hero" original video productions, and the Marvel Audience Network, including our very own social network. Join members of the Marvel Digital Media Group for all the digital dynamite!

FRIDAY

12:00-2:00 CBLDF Master Session: Jill Thompson: Secrets of Watercolor Technique—Bring your sketchbooks and learn the secrets of expressive watercolor from one of the medium's top practitioners! Renowned for her work on Beasts of Burden, Scary Godmother,and Sandman, Jill Thompson shows you the intricacies of the watercolor medium and how to apply it to making masterful comics and covers. The original art from this session will be auctioned off on Saturday night at the CBLDF's Art Auction!

12:30-1:30 Remembering Frank Frazetta and Al Williamson— The late legendary artists Frank Frazetta and Al Williamson will be remembered by their friends and colleagues during this memorial panel. A giant of comics and book illustration, Frank Frazetta was a major influence on countless comic artists. From his early work at Magazine Enterprises and EC Comics to his Warren Publications and Conan paperback covers, Frazetta's art was monumental in scope, design, and execution. He passed away on May 10. Al Williamson was an artists' artist, with a clean, elegant style. He's most famous for his work with EC Comics and in the syndicated comic strip world, with Secret Agent Corrigan and Star Wars. He passed away on June 12. Moderator Arnie Fenner (co-author/editor of the Frazetta booksIcon, Legacy, and Testament, and director of Spectrum Fantastic Art) talks to writer/artistMark Schultz (Xenozoic Tales, writer of Prince Valiant), artist/illustrator William Stout(Dinosaur Discoveries, Prehistoric Life Murals), and publisher J. David Spurlock, whose Vanguard Productions recently launched a number of Frazetta books, including a complete reprinting of Johnny Comet, the artist's syndicated daily comic strip from the mid-1950s.

2:00-3:00 Spotlight on Stan Lee— Comics legend and Comic-Con special guest Stan Leediscusses some of his latest projects at POW! Entertainment and the future of comics and new media distribution, including challenges today's writers and artists face. Join Stan and company, including Gill Champion (COO POW! Entertainment) for this special panel, which includes a Q&A with "The Man" himself.

3:00-4:00 Superman: Man of Tomorrow— It's a bird! It's a plane! It's The Man of Steel -- and he's back on Earth and primed to take 2010 by storm! Don't miss members of the exciting new Superman creative teams as they discuss their plans for Superman, Lex Luthor, Superboy, Supergirl, and more led by DC group editor Matt Idelson, with Paul Cornell(Action Comics), Shane Davis (Superman: Earth One), Sterling Gates (Supergirl), Jeff Lemire (Superboy), J. Michael Straczynski (Superman: Earth One, Superman), and others.

4:00-5:00 Breaking into Comics— A bold first step into breaking into comics starts here. Top comics creators Mike Costa (G.I. Joe: Cobra, The Authority: Jack Hawksmoor, Transformers) and Reilly Brown (Cable & Deadpool, The Incredible Hercules) discuss the ins and outs of the comic industry -- specifically, what it takes to break in and how it's done! Get solid and sound advice on what it takes and how to get started! Moderated by Comics Experience's Andy Schmidt (X-Men, Annihilation, G.I. Joe).

6:30-7:30 Thomas Jane and Tim Bradstreet's RAW Entertainment— Join the crew from RAW Entertainment as they discuss their exciting slate of current and upcoming projects in comics and film. Moderated by Thomas Jane (Hung, The Punisher), and Tim Bradstreet(The Punisher), panelists include Bruce Jones (Twisted Tales), James Daly (Bad Planet),William Stout (Pan's Labyrinth), Mark Schultz (Cadillacs & Dinosaurs), Steve Niles (30 Days of Night), and a surprise guest!

8:30-11:30 Will Eisner Comic Industry Awards— The 22nd annual Eisner Awards, the "Oscars" of the comics industry, will be given out at a gala ceremony at the Indigo Ballroom at the Hilton Bayfront. This year's special theme is "Comics Fiesta." The masters of ceremony are Bongo Comics' Bill Morrison and voice actor Maurice LaMarche (Pinky and the Brain, Futurama). Presenters include writer/actor Robert Ben Garant (Reno 911, Balls of Fury), comedian/voice actor Phil LaMarr (Futurama, Family Guy, MadTV), and actor/comics creatorThomas Jane; nominees C. Tyler, Laurie Sandell, Peter Bagge, and James Robinson; and Comic-Con special guests Berkeley Breathed, Chris Claremont, Milo Manara, Jillian Tamaki, and James Sturm. Other prestigious awards to be given out include the Russ Manning Promising Newcomer Award, the Bob Clampett Humanitarian Award, theBill Finger Award for Achievement in Comic Book Writing, and the Will Eisner Spirit of Comics Retailer Award. Admission to the Eisners is free to all Comic-Con attendees -- just be sure to bring your badge. Doors open for pro and VIP seating at 7:30 and for attendees at 8:15. All those who attend will receive a free Will Eisner graphic novel.

SATURDAY

11:30-12:30 Will Eisner, The Dreamer— Will Eisner played a central role in the first seven decades of comics history. Many times during his career, he reinvented sequential art and himself to overcome new challenges. He was a true dreamer, and these panelists hope to show you that side of him: Denis Kitchen (artist, author, publisher, and Will Eisner's agent and longtime friend), Scott McCloud (artist, author, and theoretician about comics and sequential art), Dennis O'Neil (comic book writer and editor for Marvel Comics and DC Comics), Paul Levitz (writer, former president/publisher, DC Comics), and Michael Schumacher (bestselling author and Biographer with a new biography of Will Eisner due out this fall). This is your chance to learn more about the "Father of the Graphic Novel."

1:00-2:00 Comics Arts Conference Session #11: Using Comic Book Characters For Cultural Critique— Comic book creators and scholars are using comic book characters -- existing ones and their own creations -- as a form of cultural critique in both the academy and in the larger popular culture. Join Patricia Williams (Columbia University), John Jennings (University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign), Kane Anderson (UC Santa Barbara),John Jackson (University of Pennsylvania), Stanford Carpenter (School of the Art Institute of Chicago) for a discussion of how comics characters -- including President Obama's depiction as a superhero -- act as proxies for leveling cultural critiques.

2:30-3:30 Archie: Stan Lee Comics Debuts— Stan Lee, Andy Heyward, and Jon Goldwater introduce an exciting new line of comics from the mind of comics legend Stan Lee. Stan will talk about Stan Lee's Super Seven and all the other new titles coming from Stan Lee comics over the next year. Be the first to get in on this exciting new project from the one and only Stan Lee! Moderated by Rik Offenberger.

3:30-4:30 International Comics and Graphic Novels— Comics are popular the world over and Comic-Con always includes an impressive gathering of worldwide talent. Journalist Tom Spurgeon talks with special guests Moto Hagio (Japan: Drunken Dreams), Émile Bravo(France: My Mommy is in America and she Met Buffalo Bill), Milo Manara (Italy: Click!), andKathryn and Stuart Immonen (Canada: Moving Pictures, Russian Olive to Red King) about graphic novels with a more international flavor.

4:30-5:30 Disney Epic Mickey— Warren Spector (creative director, Junction Point -- Disney Interactive Studios) and Peter David (award-winning comics writer and author of upcoming Disney Epic Mickey comics) share their insights about bringing the world and characters of the Disney Epic Mickey video game to life in two media -- video games and comic books. Warren and Peter explore "Wasteland," a world of forgotten, retired and rejected creative efforts from the Disney archives, and discuss the joy and challenges associated with writing for Mickey Mouse and his "brother," Walt Disney's first cartoon star, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. The panel includes discussion, gameplay demo featuring never-before-seen areas, concept art, previews of comic pages and Q&A.

8:30-10:30 With Great Power: The Stan Lee Story— With Great Power: The Stan Lee Story is a feature length documentary on Marvel Comics icon Stan Lee, the co-creator of Spider-Man, Iron Man, X-Men, Hulk and over 500 other comic book characters. Learn how Stan rose from his humble Brooklyn beginnings to co-creating many of the world's most well known characters! Following the screening will be a brief panel with Stan "The Man" Leehimself, executive producers Michael Uslan (The Dark Knight) and Tom DeSanto (X-Men, Transformers), actor Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk TV Show), illustrator Jim Lee(Marvel, DC), writer Paul Levitz (former president and publisher of DC Comics), Jack Kirby biographer Mark Evanier, and the With Great Power producing team of Terry Dougas,Nikki Frakes, and Will Hess. You won't want to miss this one!

SUNDAY

10:00-11:00 Jack Kirby Tribute— It's time once again to pay tribute to Jack "King" Kirby, the prolific writer/artist who co-created some of the world's most famous superheroes, including the Fantastic Four, the Hulk, Thor, Captain America, the New Gods, and many more. Kirby biographer and friend Mark Evanier (Kirby: King of Comics) hosts this annual Comic-Con tradition and is joined this year by writers Marv Wolfman (Tomb of Dracula, New Teen Titans), and Kurt Busiek (Astro City, JLA/Avengers) and other Kirby fanatics to discuss the King.

11:00-12:00 Archaia: The Jim Henson Company— The first series of Fraggle Rock comics were a rousing success, so what do Archaia and The Jim Henson Company have in store next? Find out exclusive information on upcoming Archaia/Henson comic book and graphic novel ventures from Archaia editor-in-chief Stephen Christy and artist/illustrator Brian Froud, who worked closely with Jim Henson on The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth movies as a concept artist. Joining them will be Fraggle Rock editors Tim Beedle, Paul Morrissey, andJoe LeFavi, plus Fraggle Rock writer Heather White.

11:30-12:30 Dark Horse: Yoshitaka Amano— Please join Dark Horse Comics to celebrate the career and the rare U.S. appearance of legendary Japanese artist Yoshitako Amano. The creator of Vampire Hunter D will be joined by Hollywood darling "Mink" to discuss their recent collaboration, Shinjuku, an epic work of artistic genius that explores the seedy underworld of modern Tokyo.

3:00-4:00 Full-Time Creative Work on a Part-Time Schedule— Learn the secret to using part-time collaboration to achieve full-time results! No matter which industry (comics, illustration, movies, design, animation), breaking into today's media is a full-time job, even if you have only part-time hours to accomplish it. Hear Topher Davila (editor and co-creator of TomatoTV and TomatoTVAnimation), Mario Martinez (co-creator of TomatoTV), Kevin Flessing (TomatoTV columnist and staff writer for TomatoTVAnimation), Jonelle Cobb (web designer, art director), Ron Coleman (TomatoTV columnist), and Jessica Grimshaw(animator), talk about how they successfully juggle time between the creative and business sides from their experiences in illustration, business branding, writing, design, and animation. Whether you struggle with deadlines, are a creative hobbyist, or simply want to know how to get your foot in the door, this panel is not to be missed!

Had I only KNOWN I coulda had super powers ...

2010-07-19T11:50:00.001-04:00

This is the Minuteman statue in Lexington, MA. I used to work about 50 yards from it.

This is Freedom Force, a game from 2002 I happened to buy with its sequel, Freedom Force vs. The Third Reich, this weekend for $7.49.
I love this game because the gameplay reminds me of the original Grand Theft Auto - overhead camera slinking you through the crime-riddled streets of a generic metropolis in which you bust punks by wielding whatever weapons you have at your disposal - taxi cabs, garbage disposals, random barrels of toxic waste ... what have you. Initially, an appropriately overacted narrator guides you through the basics, and with the volume cranked my wife (from across the room) now knows the appropriate manner in which you can remove a streetlight from its concrete base and smack some ass.
The main character, Minuteman, received his powers from touching the base of the Minuteman statue which was infused with Energy X. The "park" in which the statue resides looks nothing like Lexington's Battle Green in real life, but that's a minor gripe considering I worked my butt off for three solid years in its neighborhood never knowing I just needed to touch John Parker's tush to inherit otherworldly superpowers, largely channeled through my giant scepter with Sam the Eagle on the end.
The game itself is pretty straightforward - follow the instructions and defeat the commies who are being helped along in their quest for world dominance by some alien technology (Energy X) that was placed here for the sole purpose of providing aliens with some good live programming on TV. (But if Contact taught us anything, it's that in space the aliens have access to every transmission that ever came from Earth - like a permanent Nick at Nite but not all the shows feature Valerie Bertanelli. It also taught us that priests who look like Matthew McConaughey get to visit the White House a lot and don't need security clearance ever to visit the super-secret multinational trillion-dollar device that the aliens will teach us how to make.)
So yeah ... Freedom Force. An artful melding of the best things about comic books and video games that doesn't take itself too seriously in theme and story, but very seriously in scope, scale and experience. I love that the characters actually follow the instructions you give them - tell Mentor to wait in the alley and he'll bide his time until the very moment when his mind-control will benefit the attack. The old-school comic book vibe given to the proceedings seems straight out of Jack Kirby's brain, which I think is in a jar somewhere at the Irrational Games studio for anyone to reference at any given time.
Switching between attacks with the F1, F2 .... keys, then switching characters with the number keys is bound to get confusing. So far it's just Minuteman and Mentor but I'm sure this is going to get crazy quickly.
At the Lexington Minuteman my only superpower was being able to get a newspaper out on time each week. Had I known the ability boost that lurked in the national monument just outside my window, I surely would have taken it and used it to fight evil.
Then I would demand payment from the police department for doing their jobs for them (With overtime, these guys clear $140,000 a year at least). Easy money - I'm surprised other comic book heroes never thought of that.

Oh. Right. That whole ethics thing.

Stupid ethics.

100% Billy Bob Approved!

2010-07-18T09:18:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: The following was drafted on Nov. 30, 2006 but was never published. I don't know why because anything having to do with a magic mullet should be shared with the world.

Here is a list, in no particular order, of the cool things in my head right now, in order of least to greatest. All entries are 100% Billy Bob approved. That's Billy Bob at right. His mullet is magic and he can rattle off the finishing times and pole positions of every NASCAR race that has ever featured Dick Trickle.

Hold on to yer elf hats, and keep the nog a rockin', cuz heeeere we go!

1. Ambient noise
2. Slow dancing
3. German words that are a hundred letters long

It's Miller Time (to improve your product)

2010-07-17T12:51:00.002-04:00

Every Miller Lite commercial is about the new and innovative way in which the company has packaged/delivered its product. The most recent invention: The Vortex bottle, which spins the liquid as it comes out of the bottle (to aerate it, I suppose. This works with wine, so I guess the thinking is this works for the champagne of beers as well).

Don't let "Great Pilsner Taste" fool you as a proof of concept: It's also written on the bottle and in the logo.

Miller Lite does this all the time. In 2008 Miller announced it would be offered in aluminum bottles, and in 2009 it created The Draught Box which reminds me of the beer balls of my youth. (Now there's a phrase that will come back to haunt me.)

The Draught Box. Because only the highest-quality alcoholic beverages come from a box.

Enough with the stupid packaging - a bottle is a bottle. Where's the product innovation?

I swear when people tell me they "enjoy the taste" I want to punch them in the beer balls, because no human in civilized society should like the taste of his/her own urine.

Black Eye Beer Company has a good point: Where's the proof that the Vortex Bottle, or any other packaging changes, has any impact on flavor whatsoever?

Here's a novel idea: Try making money at doing business by actually improving the product. Are you afraid of a "New Coke" debacle? Even Coca-Cola rebounded from that to again dominate its market. But there's a difference: Coca-Cola took a gamble and changed its core formula, and while many taste-testers enjoyed the new taste the company still buckled to public pressure and re-introduced its old formula, leading Coca-Cola Classic to dominate its younger sibling, Coke II (New Coke). But it originally offered a likable product - Miller's not as lucky.

Going from utter crap to something a little more like real beer would be a good gamble, I don't care what the pee-drinkers say.

Comic-Con Movie Agenda

2010-07-17T10:49:00.003-04:00

I'm trying to schedule which panels I want to see next week. Here's the first installment of some movie-related events that may be worth catching at Comic-Con:

THURSDAY
DreamWorks Animation: Megamind— DreamWorks Animation makes its Comic-Con debut with Megamind. The characters Megamind and Metro Man are jettisoned to Earth as babies when their home planets are destroyed. Megamind crash-lands inside a maximum-security prison, where he evolves into the wicked and diabolical genius he is today, while the dashingly handsome superhero Metro Man grows into the universally adored savior of Metro City, beloved by every man, woman and child -- and especially the city's ace reporter Roxanne Ritchi. These life-long archenemies will rewrite superhero movie lore when they challenge each other to the ultimate showdown of Good vs. Evil! Megamind stars Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, and Jonah Hill and director Tom McGrath join forces to unveil footage from DreamWorks Animation's November 5 release.

2:30-3:30 State of the Geek Report: From Avatar to Zardoz— A panel of experts examine the state of science fiction, fantasy, and horror in film and TV, from the living-ever-longer-and-prospering Star Trek franchise to the future of Star Wars to what the success of Avatar means for the future of movies. Some of geekdom's biggest luminaries, including Steve Melching (The Clone Wars), Ashley E. Miller (Thor, X-Men: First Class), Steve Kriozere (Elvis Van Helsing), Jeff Bond (former Geek Monthly editor), and Bill Hunt and Todd Doogan (Digital Bits), talk about the lackluster state of sci-fi film and television, the rise, fall and rise of Star Trek, and the hits and misses of 2010 that made their midicholorian (and cholesterol) counts rise to dangerous levels this summer.

3:30-4:30 Entertainment Weekly: The Visionaries— A discussion with geek gods J. J. Abrams (Star Trek) and Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) on the future of pop culture. EW presents an in-depth conversation with these two creative geniuses about how technology, gaming, and global culture are reshaping how we tell and consume stories on television, film and the web. Plus: Is the superhero movie waning, or is it on the cusp of reinvention? And what do they think the pop culture universe will look like a decade from now? Moderated by Jeff "Doc" Jensen.

4:45-5:45 Lionsgate: The Expendables— Prepare to have your ass kicked by The Expendables, the biggest action movie this summer! Lionsgate presents exclusive scenes and the inside scoop on every punch, kick, and bloodied lip from the most iconic cast of heroes and villains ever assembled, including the director, writer, and star Sylvester Stallone (Rambo), along with Dolph Lundgren (Universal Soldier), Steve Austin (The Condemned), Randy Couture (Scorpion King: Rise of the Warrior), and Terry Crews (Gamer).

FRIDAY
2:00-3:30 Comics Arts Conference Session #8: Where Are the Action Chicks?— Katrina Hill (ActionFlickChick.com), Jill Pantozzi (MTV Splash Page), Adrianne Curry (America's Next Top Model), Cindy Morgan (Tron), Luci Romberg (Zombieland), Jen Stuller (Ink-Stained Amazons and Cinematic Warriors), Gina Misiroglu (Encyclopedia of Women in Popular Culture), Marjorie Liu (Black Widow), Cindy Morgan (TRON), and J. Michael Straczynski (Wonder Woman) discuss why comics, television, and movies do not depict more action heroines and look specifically at why movies starring traditional comic book superheroines are nearly nonexistent.

4:00-6:00 Sony Pictures Entertainment: The Other Guys, The Green Hornet, and Priest— Two more sneak peeks at upcoming films from Sony Pictures Entertainment!

5:00-6:00 Spotlight on Drew Struzan— See the premiere screening of excerpts from Drew: The Man Behind the Poster, a feature-length documentary film about the career of movie poster artist and Comic-Con special guest Drew Struzan, featuring exclusive interviews with George Lucas, Harrison Ford, Michael J. Fox, Frank Darabont, Guillermo del Toro, Steven Spielberg, and many others. Q&A will include Struzan and filmmakers Erik Sharkey (director), Charles Ricciardi (producer), Greg Boas (editor and cinematographer), and Marc-Antoine Serou (cinematographer).

7:00-8:00 RiffTrax Live— Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett (RiffTrax.com, Mystery Science Theater 3000) return to Comic-Con to perform another live, hilarious riff to a classic short! The panel is moderated by Veronica Belmont (host of Tekzilla on Revision3 and Qore on the PlayStation Network). Join the riffers for fun, laughs, and the latest news from RiffTrax.com, the site where MST3K-style humor meets mainstream movies, TV shows, and vintage shorts.

11:00-12:30 Syfy Original Movies and Chiller: Mega Piranha— Feast your eyes on a late-night screening of this terrifyingly fun Syfy thriller, with a special live introduction from Mega Piranha star and '80s pop music icon Tiffany. Plus, stick around for bonus looks at scary good entertainment from Chiller.

SATURDAY
4:45-5:45 Universal: Paul and Cowboys & Aliens— Universal presents two upcoming films in this exclusive Hall H presentation.

Wardrobe weirdos

2010-07-16T17:00:00.000-04:00

On Thursday, I bought three new shirts for my impending visit to Comic-Con, rounding out my unofficial uniforms for the Con.
After telling people you're attending Comic-Con the inevitable question comes up later: Will you be going in costume? As I'm a Con noob (and literally traveling opposite ends of the country to attend) I'm going to rely on my awesome T-shirts to get me through the week.
After a casual glance through Google Images for Con costumes, I've found some common themes among those who dare go full-Geek:

The nonchalant costume: "Yeah, I'm dressed as Superman. So what? Move along or your ass will feel my heat vision." Actually, that's a pretty good pickup line.

The excuse to go naked: This allows moderately attractive women to have their self-worth validated by the wandering eyes of hundreds of men who have left their houses for the second time this year. ...

...Unfortunately this works the other way around too.

The "Well, I had it laying around" approach: I almost went this route with a nondescript pirate costume I have. There's something gratifying about seeing religious figures entering the mix.

The sushi approach: "Hey, I think I'll slap a bunch of fish parts on me and see how it goes ..." Wait, I'm being told this is actually a real costume.

The "I've been waiting my whole life for this" costume: Well, we all have to have a hobby.

The mashup: I love that physique doesn't stand in the way of people's quests for impressive dress. Of course, that also spells certain doom for the "Excuse to go Naked" costume.

Wish List.

2010-07-15T21:52:00.003-04:00

Comic-Con is less than a week away. Just checked the budget; I believe these little nuggets are in my future ...
(if there's anything you want me to pick up, leave me a comment. Here's the wishlist.)

Superheroes penetrating my daily life: ComicCon must be soon

2010-07-13T21:40:00.004-04:00

This commercial popped on the other night and I started to evaluate the Silver Silver Surfer vs. the Green Silver Surfer.
I began thinking, "What if Marvel gave the Surfer a sidekick?" but then I began thinking no, Silver Surfer was a sidekick himself as he scouted out worlds for Galactus to eat. Then I began thinking, if Cascade gel pacs are green and blue then why are the two Silver Surfers green and silver? Is it because I fell into Cascade's evil plot to associate its product with the Silver Surfer (I am buying said product on Thursday when I get paid - good marketing!) or is it because the silver little guy could be associated with Silver Surfer, Iceman or as a stretch the T 1000?
And if a fight broke out between the Silver Surfer, Iceman and the T1000 who would win? Silver Surfer's ability to bend matter would be canceled out by the T1000's morphing ability, right? And if the T1000 can only be killed in molten lava then could the same be true for extreme cold, thus exposing a weakness that Iceman could exploit?
Right now I'm envisioning a rock-paper-scissors match: Iceman beats T1000, but T1000 beats silver surfer by being able to liquify and inhabit every square inch of Silver Surfer, and Silver Surfer beats Iceman because he pretty much beats everybody.
In a week I'll be at ComicCon. Can you tell?

The MBTA: Push becomes shove becomes brawl

2010-07-02T07:05:00.000-04:00

I waited for the T at South Station like I always do when waiting to get on the metal chariot toward my personal Mt. Olympus. That time of day, 5 p.m., is a tough time in Boston: The usually pushy idiots waiting to get on the T become even pushier.

The grand throne at Mt. Olympus,
where pirate pants are always in fashion

I count myself among the idiots, unfortunately: Some of my worse moments are when I try to follow my wife on to the train so we can sit next to one another, only to shove an older lady inadvertently as I fit through the doorway. I then spend the 20-minute ride obsessing over it: "Did my shoulder catch her too hard?" "Should I go over and apologize?" "What if I offer my seat to the next MBTA victim? Will my karma then be restored?"

No matter what social faux pas I've committed on Boston's underground system, I ain't never been this bad:

The train pulls up and I'm standing on the same orange paint strip I do every day: It ensures the right positioning to be the first up the escalators at my destination, Alewife Station, sparing not a moment as I race up to the surface world to catch the bus at 5:28.

As I prepare to board I take my customary step to the left to let the train's existing passengers get off. To my right is a woman with a two-kid carriage: A newborn (8-12 months) sits in the front while a toddler takes the rear seat. The carriage is slightly longer and wider than a shopping cart, making it the ideal choice should you wish to annoy every rider on a packed train.

Behind her is a blind man, and though they don't know each other he somehow knows to wait behind her so he can follow her aboard. He is standing in one place but lazily searching his surroundings with the taps of his cane.

The last of the train's riders scoots by, between the mother and myself. I am slightly left of the doorway, she stands directly in center. To her right, a woman seems to float above the ground - her legs flit so fast they cast a weird, pasty white blur as she rushes onboard. Another Masshole, this time a businessman, cuts off the mother as she struggles to build momentum with her giant kid-filled cart. A third commuter tries to board with the woman, but as her cart takes up most of the entryway he clucks away in disgust because he has to wait two seconds. She finally gets onboard, and the rejected commuter is now forced to cut off the blind man as he cautiously steps forward.

He does so without so much as a glance back, and another commuter follows him, TWICE CUTTING OFF THE BLIND MAN TRYING TO BOARD THE TRAIN. I have, at this point, watched six people (eight if you count the kids) enter the train, and now it's my turn. The blind man is asking someone if he can sit; thankfully a woman offers him her seat and helps him down. But no one offers a seat to the mother, who is forced to stand with her oversized cart and agitated offspring as we rumble out of South Station and away from the heart of Boston.

Yes, Boston: City of History, City of Intelligence, City of Slack-Asses who would cut off a young mother and a blind man just so they can read the next chapter of their Twilight books or answer an e-mail to no one of importance before they lose a signal on their Smartphones.

Starting tomorrow I'm going to offer my seat more.

Hey Mario - stick to collecting coins, not minting them

2010-06-27T15:18:00.008-04:00

A salesman once told me the definition of an item's worth is whatever someone wants to pay for it. In most cases I have found this to be true, except in the marketplace that is eBay and in the "collector's edition" coin that is my Super Mario Galaxy Free Commemorative Launch Coin. This coin offers a valuable lesson in the e-commerce marketplace. To put this in context, let me first tell you a story entitled:

The One-Eyed Indian Who Bought My Underwear.

True story. Last August I held a yard sale in the front of my apartment building. This is me trying to sell some pajamas:

Would you buy pajamas from this man?

About halfway through day two an elderly Indian couple and their grandson, whom they were training to be both a thief and a liar judging by the example they set, arrived to haggle. The husband bought some shorts and an old shirt from me, conveniently understanding every other word of English though he seemed to speak it fine. After buying $10 worth of clothes but paying $8, I had to leave my post to show his shriveled mummy-wife that the blender I'm selling does indeed work. Though this was proven, she still refused to buy it because a piece of the rotor was made of plastic (I hear those metal-on-metal blenders sell like hotcakes).

After returning to my table I was once again confronted by the Monty Hall of Delhi, who this time was waving a pair of my own underwear in my face. Unbeknownst to me the bag of clothes that was meant to go to the trash wound up in the sale pile, and suddenly I was once again facing the old martini-glass shorts I thought would never see another day.

"C'mooooon ..." Monty said. "I take."

On principal I couldn't let this guy, a dirty old man with a cloudy grey dead eye that seemed to regard everything with a thought apart from the one rattling in his age-addled head, have anything more from me. True, the underwear weren't even part of the sale to begin with, and after talking him into fifty cents for my years-old drawers I was happy to see him, his crusty wife and the little child with a toy he didn't pay for exit the premises.

I vowed never to hold a yard sale ever again. I also learned the depreciation on a pair of underwear goes like this:

S = ([P/N]/T)/2

Where S is the sale price, P is the price you originally paid, N is the number of people who have worn the underwear, and T is time (in this case, years passed between the time they were purchased and the time they are sold).

I tried to do similar math for my commemorative Mario Galaxy coin (Face it: You were wondering where I was going with all this). I remembered the coin just last week as I busted out Mario Galaxy 2 (review coming soon) and realized, "It's been two years; I wonder how much that coin is worth."

The relative value of anything deemed "Limited edition" or "Collector's Edition" has been rendered virtually nil over the past 20 years. Like I do with many other things in life, I blame George Lucas. Before he came along, there wasn't this need to brand anything "Collector's edition" because the collectors didn't quite know what they had. Did my parent's generation ever think to hang on to all those Babe Ruth baseball cards? No, most of them wound up in the spokes of bicycles making helicopter noises.

Until Star Wars, no movie had that kind of merchandising push. The toys, electric toothbrushes, coloring books, silverware, etc. were offered everywhere, and made in great abundance. This is where the economics come in: You make enough of something, its value sinks because the market is saturated and that drives the price down (simple supply-and-demand stuff). It gets worse if the product you put to market gets copied, effectively flooding the market with twice as much of the same thing:

On the left, the Ewok Village playset by Kenner.
On the right, the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves
playset that emerged five years later

So knowing that my commemorative Mario coin was literally one in a million (or more) I looked it up on eBay today. Prices ranged from 99 cents to $40. The thing is, eBay lets you set your own starting price, so that $40 doesn't guarantee someone is willing to pay what you're asking. I saw someone offer a $30 bid for a coin, but on eBay you can't tell if that is a serious bid or the seller trying to drive up the price.

I've come to the conclusion the coin isn't worth anything more than the peace of mind it represents: I received it because I pre-ordered the game, guaranteeing my Italian plumber-infused bliss at the first possible moment. In that case, if P is peace of mind, R is the reaction and T is time:

P = R(T2)

A second coin, regretfully, did not accompany Mario Galaxy 2 but that's OK because apparently if you still want the first game's coin you can find it if you look hard enough.

Or you can have mine. Bidding starts at $500.

Troegs beer: Many misses, few hits

2010-06-17T19:01:00.006-04:00

John and I before we were interrupted by a robbery and a shrieking woman.

Earlier this week I met John Trogner. John and his brother, Chris, founded the Troegs brew company in 1996 in central Pennsylvania, making them the longest continuously operating business left in central Pennsylvania.
(Full disclosure: I can't figure out the umlaut but there is one over the "O" in Troegs.)
He was in town for Boston's Craft Brew Week, which culminates in a craft beer festival this weekend that I unfortunately will miss due to a previous engagement (which is now a full-blown wedding). John and I got to talking briefly about the history of his beer, and the offerings on tap at The Kinsale that evening. I was gingerly sampling a Troegenator, the brewery's double bock.

Looks better than it tastes.

As double bocks go, I was disappointed by the lack of body to this beer. It should have bigger balls than this limp offering. I found these reviews to be a little over the top, though the only possible explanation I have is that I had it from a fresh keg and it hadn't aged properly. That, or the Kinsale never cleans its tap lines.
I have had another negative experience with a Troegs brew: Mad Elf Ale, which unfortunately lived up to its name: Mad Elf. As in, directly after my second swig of this liquid cinnamon bomb a small bearded man ran up to me and punched me square in the ornaments. So maybe I can't blame the Trogner brothers for that particular experience.
On my second sampling of Mad Elf, however, I learned that I really don't like these overly spiced "holiday" offerings from Sam Adams, Harpoon, Lakefront, Troegs ... and though I love everything from Dogfish Head you can throw Sahtea in the mix as well. I'm not overly sensitive to spice - just ask my coworkers who challenged me to down an espresso cup full of hot sauce. I just think craft brewers are going a little nuts with it, and Mad Elf falls sadly into this trap.
There is one Troegs brew I've found to have an even body, crisp taste and multiple layers of fruit, hops, and honey though with a slight bitterness at the end:

Troegs' saving grace

Of the five Troegs beers I've tried (DreamWeaver and Nugget Nectar are the others not mentioned here - you'll see why in a second) this is the only one I found to be not watered down. And I'm sorry, every reviewer on the Web who tastes a Troegs, but watery is not synonymous with drinkable. Only the Hop Back has made me want to come back to Troegs, and it's what led me to sitting outside the Kinsale this week drinking yet another Troegs.
I wish John and I weren't so rudely interrupted by the woman sitting next to me who suddenly screamed "STOP THAT MAN!!!!!!" while her husband took off down the street chasing the guy who stole his wallet, because I wanted to give John my honest take on his beer. I don't hate it, so please don't take this as an overwhelmingly negative deconstruction of the only business keeping central Pennsylvania alive. Indeed, the many drinkers cited above are proof positive they're doing something right.
I should be blown away by a beer with a name as massively awesome as TROEGENATOR. I'm just not. But like its namesake famously said, "I'll be bock."

Wal-Mart takes us a little farther into Hell

2010-06-14T20:46:00.003-04:00

Wal-Mart's latest television spot ends like this (paraphrased):

Wal-Mart. Official sponsor of office supplies and Father's Day.

Wal-Mart, you can claim all the inanimate objects you want. Heck, you can even sponsor the Pyramid of the Moon and Teotihuican for all I care. But you're taking Father's Day away from us?
For shame.

High fashion and the hobo

2010-06-10T21:20:00.004-04:00

Recently I scanned Amazon.com for a new watch. Found this one. If one was given a choice between buying this watch and buying my car, one could buy my car four times over for the same price as this watch.
I don't find this watch attractive. It's visually confusing, I'm pretty sure it doesn't tell time, and its band is made from baby seals. Oh, and it's the most expensive watch offered on Amazon - $139,900 on sale for $96,755.
What's interesting is what the watch DOES display: Wealth. A watch without numbers should be good for something, and in this case the timepiece shows the high price of glamor. Designers have to out-ugly each other in order to be noticed, and by having their products noticed the consumer knows that he/she too will get noticed.

Consider this bag from Angela Di Verbeno:

What I love about this bag is that it proves my point perfectly: This is a hobo bag. I didn't name it; the fashion industry did. And while the word "hobo" brings of imagery of the fly-ridden wino that used to sleep on the bench behind my apartment in New York, I don't think he would have been caught dead with this thing. My wife says it looks like someone wiped with a snake.
Remember the grunge movement, when sleeping in the same clothes for a week was beautiful? Weren't hippies required to live in apartments without showers? The thing about the disgusting/beautiful movement is that it was also cheap. What's Angela Di Verbeno's excuse?

On riding a mechanical bull

2010-05-18T18:31:00.004-04:00

A marshy floor without a dedicated footpath seems an unlikely road to travel before swinging atop the unforgiving metal hide of a bar bull. Just as your legs adapt the appropriate gait with which you navigate the air-filled tarmac en route to your chariot, all energy is diverted up, up, up to untrained thighs asked to perform a task for which they, and you, know they are not equipped. But you all do it, working in concert to achieve the best grip for the unfamiliar task, asking again an impossible favor of your lower back, your stomach, your arms as they move to catch and reassemble themselves in this coordinated twist of torso.

When it's over, the fall is flat and limp, the world rushing to meet you is not the exciting energy-infused event you thought it might me, and the awareness of your own mortality in the face of challenge is brought painfully to bare. You will not miss the patch of skin shorn away from your arm, but the sting feels like regret given form, failure laid bare in screaming pink and red.

The machine turns away, returning to its former stoicism and day job as joker-sentinel.

Nintendo-izing the pantheon

2010-05-06T19:00:00.006-04:00

God of War's Kratos: Killing Greek nightmares since 3000 B.C.

Recently I took up the original God of War for PS2. I'm playing it through its sequel to satisfy the craving I have to play the third installment, though I lack the necessary console to do so.
What I do have is a Nintendo Wii, a much-hated system when hardcore gamers hold it up to other systems like Perseus did his shield when he slayed the gorgon Medusa. It's true - they pass up the Wii and leave it behind them but when given a chance, the Wii has enough bells and whistles to dazzle you and stop you in your tracks. Its replayability factor (Zelda, Mario Galaxy, MarioKart, Boom Blox) alone suits me just fine.

Perseus has a shield, and he knows how to use it.

A somewhat sad thought drifted into my head as I slayed a hammer-wielding minotaur the other day. In drifted a thought of Kratos' mortality, a life doomed forever to exist on single systems where his ashen muscles never stretch past a single platform. I dared breathe a hope that Nintendo would indeed revive its Kid Icarus title and kick off a next-gen franchise, effectively capitalizing on the Greek mythos hoopla with its own interpretation of the events that spawned a legend.
Quick recap: Icarus' father Daedalus built the Labyrinth for the minotaur, and was later exiled for helping some douche through it. Seriously - you build the greatest maze the world has ever known and then you help a guy through it? Not in my mythos, pal.
Anyway, Daedalus builds wings for himself and Icarus to escape mutant eggplants, and tells his son that his shoddy design requires them to keep to an altitude of about 490,807,086,527 feet. But no, Icarus has to fly 490,807,086,528 feet (the distance of the earth to the sun) and the wings melt and the plan goes to shit.
What? You don't recall mutant eggplants when you learned the classics? Well, apparently someone in Japan did, because Eggplant Wizards were the main baddies in Kid Icarus.

Eggplants also do this to my mom - she's allergic.

The Cocktease division of Nintendo Inc. produced a hint of what could be with its Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii. In the fighting game (a very lucrative franchise in its own right) we saw Pit, the protagonist of Kid Icarus, mix it up with the likes of every licensed Nintendo character you can think of (and even some that weren't - what the hell is Olimar anyway?)
Nintendo did pull Pit back into view on the Game Boy with "Kid Icarus: Of Myths and Monsters," a game nearly identical to its namesake and is actually so close in scale and design that I'm not even going to link to it even though I have a tab open to its Wikipedia entry right now. I'm that lazy.
When the news hit that Pit was going to land on the Wii, there was a flurry of speculation about the possible development of a next-gen all-growns-up look at Pit and his misadventures with vegetables. A lot's happened with tangential Greek references in the 20+ years since Pit picked up his quiver, but consider this: Nintendo has a story only loosely based on a specific myth, one that if they chose could take a less-fictionalized approach to the entire genre of cylopses, snake ladies, blind witches, and gods modeled after Paul Schaeffer.

Hermes: The underrated god of flying wimps

Fanboyism aside, I joined the throngs lending their voices to the call for an Icarus game. I felt this so strongly that I went directly to the online Wii store and plunked down $5 for the original NES version. I played the first level, remembering how to perfectly time each shot of the arrow in order to eliminate each snake in succession and procure the maximum amount of hearts. What did those hearts do again? OH - wait a minute - I may never know, because this game is FUCKING HARD.
Seriously. An hour later I was no farther than halfway through the level (I estimate, because I never reached the top). And a memory gradually faded into my conscious, a hazy thread of thought so fragile it would wither if I dared touch it - both delicate as a spider's web and as annoying as a hair in the mouth. I realized my friend, Chris Martin, and I used cheat codes to beat the parts of Kid Icarus we couldn't manage on our own. And there was the Official Nintendo Player's Guide, a tome bound in black that provided maps, hints and cheats to the handful of games available for the Nintendo in its earliest, most glorious years.

To Catholic middle school students, this was porn before we knew what boobies were.

Disappointed was I that Kid Icarus fell so short of expectation. A childhood hero's impervious facade had been torn away by time, and I was left with an unsatisfying taste of what could have been.
And unwittingly, I have provided Nintendo with its in.
See, I bet there are many of my generation who long for the memory of what it was like playing Kid Icarus, but not the actual experience. We don't want our reminiscent dabblings in the Icarus world tarnished by 2-D 8-bit graphics, repetitive midi music, and ultra-repetitive button-mashing that requires hours of mastery for just the first level. And if memory serves, once you beat the game you get to play through again. Somewhere Apollodorus is rolling in his grave.
So there's my suggestion, Nintendo: Use your Kid Icarus line to compete with (if not surpass) PlayStation in the war to own the Greek myths. Take a franchise fanboys would immediately embrace (in concept, at first, if not execution) and take the time to do it right. Cripes, you've had 20 years already, and can learn from a successful title that's already paved the way.
You've proven with Metroid Prime, Twilight Princess, Mario Wii and Galaxy, and the Smash Bros./MarioKart/Mario Party franchises that you know how to treat the source material right while delivering a fresh experience.
I'd love to know what you're waiting for.

A letter to the stereotype blonde in the SUV parked in the handicap spot

2010-05-04T20:37:00.005-04:00

Dear Blonde:

You probably don't think anyone noticed you, but we did. You thought the crimson Escalade would hide you; that its oversized cab and gleaming rims and tinted windows would give you the right to do anything you please. And maybe it does. Maybe in your world, the dyed hair and the face like Heidi gets you free stuff from star-struck wannabes who put as much value on materials as you do.

But here's the problem: You actually look like Heidi Fleiss. That, and not everybody lives in your world. Not the lady who had to walk around your car to get to hers, or the mother and daughter who couldn't stop staring while you yakked on your cell phone the whole time while you were parked. My wife and I certainly don't; it's the reason why we drove around your car just so we could document it:

Now, I might be able to forgive your parking faux pas. After all, you never could bother to actually leave the car. Maybe your lip gloss reflected the sun in your eyes and you missed the lines.

But to park diagonally across two handicap spaces? Really?

Please take notice of the handicap parking sign in front of your car in this photo. Your meathead boyfriend didn't notice, but everyone in the Walgreens parking lot sure did.

The Red Sox.

2010-04-22T22:39:00.002-04:00

My dad and I have a weekend picked out for my first Red Sox game of the 2010 season.

It's against the Royals.

My dad and I have never been to Fenway together. This is going to be awesome!

For my father's sake, you better suck this year, Royals.

Marriage is all about communication.

2009-10-14T21:52:00.003-04:00

And I have proof.

Office cookies

2009-09-28T19:11:00.006-04:00

Your office drones are divided into two camps: Those that shrink away from the last cookie in the sampling your nice coworker brought in, and those that don't. The kind of person to take the last office cookie has to be methodical, deliberate and, at times, sneaky - for the death knell could toll on the treat bag at any moment. There's always that moment of hesitation: Do I bother getting up from my desk, wander over to the break room only to find the bag of cookies empty? Though, like Highlander, there can be only one office cookie vulture, the uncertainty always looms like ketchup clinging to the neck of a glass bottle. Begrudgingly, this person slowly rises from the desk and unshackles the chains of industry. His pace quickens, though, as he sights his goal. From this vantage, he can't see every ingress to the break room. What if someone, at that very hair's breadth of time, is also doing the quick-step to the sacred grove by the microwave? I must have it first, he says, for at no other time (at least today) will free treats be so close within reach! Then, rounding the corner and through the door, the cookie is spied. The coast is clear, a brief lunge, and success! The drone emerges victorious, savoring each chocolate-infused crumb with the intoxicating notion that he, he indeed, was the only one to dare breach office etiquette and claim his prize.

Yeah, I'm that guy.

Actual conversation

2009-08-18T13:44:00.003-04:00

Verizon lady: Sir, you are spending a lot of money on texting - if you go with a $5 monthly text plan with Verizon Wireless, you could have unlimited texting. Let me just pull up your account here ...

ME: I don't spend that much on texting.

VL: I'm looking at your account now. It seems you have been texting a lot over the last three months ... now if I look at the 5182 number (ed's note: That's Marcy's line) ...

ME: Yes, but over the four-year lifetime of my business with Verizon, you'll see that I actually spend far less than $5 a month for texting.

VL: ... and just in June, you could have saved yourself money ...

ME: Right, but again, if you look at my whole history with your company, you'll see I don't spend $5 a month for texting.

VL: I don't have access to that information, sir. I only have the last three months.

ME: Yes, but as a salesperson who just cold-called me, you should have access to that information. You should be equipped to discuss a person's full account, and see that in light of the years of service I paid for, I rarely use texts except in the summer, and that amount does not work out to $5 a month.

VL: Sir, if you already have this down to a science ...

ME: It's not science. It's very simple math. Two months out of the year, my wife and I have to text a lot to make plans with people out of state. Can you tell me if those charges I accrue would amount to $60?

VL: We don't offer a $60 plan, sir, just $5 a month that may save you money.

ME: $60 is $5 a month for a year. If you can tell me that my texting for a year is more than $60, I will join the plan.

(PAUSE)

VL: Sir, we offer a $5 monthly texting plan that does not affect your contract. So even if you wanted to do it for a month or two during the summer, it may save you money.

ME: What if it doesn't?

(PAUSE)

VL: If you'd like to think it over, you may call our toll-free line anytime at 888 ... (ed's note: She went by the number so fast, even if I was going to write it down I couldn't). Thank you, and have a great day.

BM: Thank you. You too.

Please pardon the mess

2009-06-19T20:53:00.002-04:00

The Daily Blurb, if you haven't noticed already, is undergoing some changes.

Please pardon its appearance while doctors work on a cure.

As always, your patronage is greatly appreciated.

- The Management

Swine flu and you.

2009-04-30T08:03:00.002-04:00

Here's my one, only, prevailing thought about the swine flu:

It's overrated.

I mean, remember SARS?

The emptiness I feel when you're not around

2009-03-27T15:24:00.003-04:00

You know that feeling when the Olympics end and you're watching the final ceremonies and you're still watching all the athletes who two weeks prior you had never heard of? And you saw what they did and you start thinking, "If only I applied myself, maybe I could jump plastic sticks like that guy?" And you can't wait for the next time when you can watch it again and see what new records are broken, and who makes it to the end of the race and who has a new fashionable soul patch?

The BufBloPoFo is like that, only I'm in the race, too. And in a way I feel like we all won, because here we are at the end of two weeks and we're all standing around looking at each other saying, "Hm," and we kind of don't know what we are going to do with ourselves.

ME? I'm going to write my children's book in the next year. I'm going to lose another 20 pounds (I'm at 214 right now - down from 225 in January). I'm going to learn a new skill. I'm going to promise a lot of things right now so by next year's PoFo when I'm asked to look at my post from a year ago and update everyone, I'll already have some things to talk about.

Peace out, PoFo friends. Kick ass and take names in the coming year.

One year later ...

2009-03-26T18:26:00.005-04:00

A year ago, I blogged about all the random Star Ward references I encountered recently.

Yes, I spelled Star Wars wrong. But admit it - you got a chuckle out of reading Star Ward.

Anyhoo, that's a fun exercise so let's try it again. Here are all the references to Star Wars(d) I've encountered in the past 48 hours:

1) A few minutes ago I came across this photo in Marcy's girly exercise magazine. That's Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy with some random urchins.

2) While in a meeting about my newspaper's Patriots Day guide, someone mentioned traitors in our impromptu talk about American history. I was forced to offer, "He is part of the rebel alliance and a traitor." The great thing about being in a room full of journalists is, you can say that and people know what you're talking about.

3) I chose the new Clone Wars CGI movie on our Blockbuster list.

I need a life.

Your freakin' mutant kids

2009-03-25T21:18:00.004-04:00

Today's topic for BufBloPoFo: I want to hear your best advice for those of us raising kids.

I have but one message for all the parents out there:

When your kids is screaming in the department store, that "ignore" trick you insist on using isn't working. We all know it. The kid knows it. Why don't you?

Lazy.

2009-03-24T18:51:00.004-04:00

The BufBloPoFo assignment:

1. Take out your cell phone.
2. Turn it around and take a picture of yourself AS YOU ARE RIGHT THIS SECOND NO CHEATING.
3. Post that pic and describe it. Where are you? Why are you wearing that? Maryface, there’s something in your teeth.

My response:

1. Can't. It's way the hell over there. Oooh ... this computer has a camera built in. That'll work.

2. Done. I is too lazy to tilt the screen anyway to adequately frame myself, which is why I'm cut off at the chin. Not too lazy to smile, though. But am too lazy to help whatsoever with dinner preparations.

3. I'm on my couch after a looooong day. I hope to imprint my ass firmly into the ass-print that already exists on the couch. I'm wearing comfy pants with pirates on them. I'd show you but I'm too lazy to take another picture. I'm also too lazy to fini

Heroes

2009-03-23T21:44:00.003-04:00

I see the term "hero" get thrown around a lot. Perhaps the most egregious misuse of the term is calling the victims of 9/11 heroes. I'm not talking about the firefighters and police - it's the poor folks who went to work that day not knowing that was to be the last day of their lives.

I think the reason why it's used in so many ways is because of its emotional weight. It carries different meanings for different people at different ages. Ask me at age 4 who my hero was, and the answer was Superman. I believed this so much so that on my first day of preschool I refused to give up my own name when asked by the new mother-figures I'd come to call teachers; instead I began my school career shouldering a new persona like one hunches into an overcoat. Superman was my name that day, and Superman it would be, until 15 minutes later when the roll was called and, through process of elimination, the stubborn little kid in the back of the room coloring by himself had his secret identity exposed. Son of Jor-El, kneel before Mrs. Zod.

Before pre-school, I was largely raised by my grandparents during the days my mom went back to teaching. Her father's name was James, and he taught me how to gamble, how to craft wood into all manner of useful things, and the names of every WWII aircraft, many of which he flew. My own father's name is James, as was his stepfather James DeMaseo, who we knew as Papa D. Dad once took me on a fishing trip with his friend, James, and it was on the crystal calm of Conesus Lake that I worked into my head this bit of child logic: At some point in my adult life, when the tufts of wires formed under my arms and I my belch stank of Labatts, I too would assume the name James.

Each James in my life has fulfilled said role of heroship. In first grade day my blood stained the snowy hill at Bassett Park from a head wound that delivered me into a warm sleep. I remember waking up in the nursing home that my father carried me to, traversing a quarter-mile of woods and hills in the process. Years later, I took a plum assignment at a newspaper to cover a special exhibit at the Eastman Museum in Rochester that featured Vietnam-era photographs, and the journalists who shot some of the most iconic images of the war. I snuck my dad in the press conference so he could met a few of these guys, and watching the ease with which they slipped into their brothers-in-arms speech was captivating. It gave me a new, and maybe the first, appreciation for what the military was to my father and family, and began to peel away the inky prejudices I felt from my first experiences in the lodges and VFWs I was dragged to as a child.

Papa D will always be remembered for his bar, and the way he used his whole head to chew. Both these memories have strong ties to Thanksgiving, as that's the one time we saw him and the rest of my dad's family consistently each year. That bar was, and is, his bar. Though he died many years ago I saw the Papa Dee's sign outside it just last year, in the same colors my aunt the art teacher hand-painted herself. At thanksgiving the women took over the bar's small but adequate kitchen; we kids explored the dirty nooks and crannies otherwise forgotten - one closet in particular had a 1940s-era vacuum with an enormous grey bag that, if you were small enough, could just barely cover your cousin and you and earn you the titles of Hide-and-See King. Papa D, meanwhile, held court behind the smoke-choked tavern, lording over the family and sneaking maraschino cherries to the kids when their parents weren't looking.

Today my thoughts wandered off of the press releases and e-mails, each popping its own little demand into my electronic subconscious, and for a brief moment I got a chance to revel in knowing my apartment was, for the first time in many moons, clean. And I thought of our small apartment and its amenities, and how it will always be Marcy and my first place together. I thought of other small spaces: That closet at Papa D's bar, the many layers of blankets in a nursing home bed that kept me warm before the paramedics arrived, and Grandpa and Grandma's house. Grandma still live on that second floor of the house on Buffalo's West Side. I go back only occasionally now, but I remember how big it still felt when I was 3 and 4 years old. But in that small home my grandparents managed to raise my mother and aunt, two great ladies in their own right. They shared the apartment's only bedroom, looking out on the vast expanse of siding from the house next door. My grandparents, meanwhile, shared a pull-out couch in the living room.

And they survived the Great Depression, and World War II. Hell, they survived Nixon.

And I thought, "Now there go two heroes." And it makes my own little corner of the world feel that much bigger.

That's easy: Give us jobs.

2009-03-22T19:50:00.003-04:00

My question for Bryan would be, I am assuming you are from out of town based on your post of foods you miss from Buffalo is that correct? What else do you miss and is there anything that would potentially bring you back into Western New York??

Yes indeed, Michele, I am a Buffalo (Williamsville) native who knew Lisa Garvey in high school, then in college at which time I met Mike, and, well, you can figure out the rest.

After high school I moved to Rochester, where I spent the next 10 years A) earning a Comm/English degree in college and B) Starting out a low-paying career in the fast-paced world of print journalism. In 2006 my then-girlfriend-now-wife and I moved to Boston because, at the end of the world when all newspapers have folded, the last one to gasp its dying breath will be in New England.

In Western New York, there's not much work for a guy like me. Plus, I wanted to move away long-term and see the world a bit before buying a home and settling down somewhere. And for as little work as there is for me in Western New York, there's nuttin' for my wife, whose background is in animation. So before we can have kids and settle down and figure out what the rest of our lives are like, we've got some career ground to cover.

It's hard, too, because I have so many family and friends in the Buff/Roch area who I miss. And they're all buying houses now, so we have our pick of places to stay!

So if there was a newspaper in Buffalo that paid a decent wage (there isn't) and there was a TV studio constantly employing animation production people (HA), we might be enticed to come back and gorge ourselves on chicken wings each and every weekend.

I also miss Bills games on the TV. There's a bar across from the Boston Garden that shows them each Sunday, but if I didn't have to travel downtown to see them every time, it would be all the cooler.

Long-lost twins

2009-03-22T15:37:00.003-04:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Free genealogy - Family tree chart

Goodbye, beard.

2009-03-22T12:24:00.007-04:00

So here's what I looked like yesterday morning.

Then, the annual SHAVING occurred.

First, I went with a Jeff Hardy. Here's what he looks like:

And here's what I looked like:

Next was the half-moon:

And the fireman/cop:

Then the "If Jeff Hardy became a cop instead of a pro wrestler:"

Aaaannnd ... bring on summer!!!!!! ....

Debo, my man, I can sympathize.

2009-03-21T11:36:00.007-04:00

Debo and I have never met. I don't think. If we did, I'm a schmuck and I don't remember. It's totally possible we did at one time. But don't take offense if I don't remember - it's not a knock on your character or anything, which I'm sure is upstanding and morally coherent. It's not you, it's me. My memory, like my writing, is not what it once was.

In this post for the BufBloPoFo, he writes:

Good gods, my grammar is suffering too. I used to be a decent writer.

I, too, used to be a decent writer. In fact, I became a professional writer because since fifth grade the one academic endeavor that always held my attention was the power the written word can have over people. Garv's been getting some positive responses from his writing recently, and I say, more power to ya, buddy. Garv also happens to be a decent writer, and if you're looking for a low-paying freelance gig about 7 hours' drive away, well, the offer stands.

In the early stages of my career I was a reporter. I wrote at least one story a day, and I was always looking for new and exciting ways to tell a story. But that was short-lived. At age 23 I became a newspaper editor, a job in which 99% of your time is devoted to improving other people's writing and becoming involved in every aspect of publishing a newspaper that doesn't have the word "writing" in it. That treasured 1 percent leftover is reserved for your actual writing, though I usually spend it crying alone in my office's closet.

Nine years into a career in writing, I do less writing than I did when I was in school. At age 30 I won my first solo press award, and it had nothing to do with writing. When I do write, I'm not challenged by my higher-ups or my peers. Frankly, the state of newspapers is such that, in today's climate, we don't get the kind of development and support to do the one thing for which we all got in the business. Now add into it the focus we have on the Web and putting our newspapers on Twitter, Facebook, and our own blogs, and Debo my friend, I can feel your pain.

It's not too late for either of us. I know plenty of journalists who burned out and fizzled before they hit 30. I have a lesson I learned from them that may help you: Just do it.

Seriously. That's it.

Just write. Write long. Spend an hour on it in place of something else you do (for me, it's either playing FFXII, or studying beer. I can take an hour off of my beer studies to write. Hell, I should write about beer.) Many of my former coworkers got out of the business but also stopped writing altogether - and I think the world's worse off for it.

What will happen if you write often is this: Eventually you'll stumble across some writing that sticks with you. That happened to me a few years back and as a result I've written six chapters (so far) of a children's book. I'm still working on it and after I've finished FFXII I'm getting back into it full-force.

So get out there and get writing. And if you want some free editing from a guy who's a mild-mannered editor by day and flies around in tights by night, well, you know where to find me.

My question to you is this:

Whatcha gonna do, brother? WHATCHA gonna do when Blogg-o-mania runs wild over you?

P.S. I want that jacket.

Operation: Shock and Scourge

2009-03-21T11:30:00.003-04:00

Today, I finally was able to purchase Shock and Scourge spells for my team in Final Fantasy XII. This allows me to, as my wife would say, kick 'em in the butts.

BEARD WATCH 2009

2009-03-20T18:10:00.007-04:00

Remember this?

It's about that time again.

This marks the fourth time I've grown a beard, that manly status symbol that says to the world, "I like to hide my double chin."

My first beard was an experiment in self-flagellation. I wanted to see how long this itchy, annoying, stinking thing could be latched to my face (sounds like a girl I once dated).

I remember working at Blockbuster at the time. I used to work the floor as a salesman, offering to help customers find movies on the weekend but, more importantly for the bottom line, I was there to sell them things as sneakily as possible. My greatest triumph came from a young couple, mid-20s, whose very walk offered hints about their life story: They entered the store holding hands, but unclenched soon after when the girl beelined for the used DVDs. He held the door open for her after entering first - a premiere clue that their relationship had hit that 10-month mark some time ago (Anything less and he's straining to open the door for her, smashing his body against the door to make as much room for her as possible). I caught up with them in Horror. I started my pitch. After a few minutes of back and forth of "We only came in to look," they left the store with two movies, a Rewards membership, and a monthly subscription to the trade-in program.

My beard had nothing to do with that.

But one day while Samson I was growing in, a man was up to "S" in his reverse-alphabetical scan of the new releases. He had a meticulously trimmed face-rat across his food-hole. I asked him at what point it stop itching. "Three weeks," he said. Three months later I was still scratching at my follicles like a fat kid trying to get into a locked ice cream freezer.

Samson III was last year's effort; MUCH better (and less spotty than his grandfather.) Samson IV was the first to be professionally groomed (I had a TV debate to host and needed to look my damndest). It's got a definite New England flair to it, but eliminates most of the patchiness.

The days are numbered for Samson IV. But a few months later Samson V will bless us with new and wonderous riddles, such as, "Is that another white hair?" and "Does this make my face look fat?" We will count the days.

Dorm daze

2009-03-19T22:06:00.003-04:00

My freshman year, my college gave my roommate and I (Keep in mind the word GAVE. as in, FREE) each a new computer, free Internet, and all-new furniture. In return we had to operate as a "model room" to show off the new dorm furnishings they planned to purchase for when these prospective doe-eyed pre-frosh were starting their college careers.

The funny thing was, we didn't live up to our end of the bargain. One morning I answered the door in my underwear, eyelids firmly glued in place by hangover-induced eye gunk. A half dozen parents awkwardly gawked back at me. The sophomore giving the tour blinked like you see in the cartoons - her eyes made that "Doink ... doinkdoink ... doink" noise as she searched for an excuse to turn around and show her tour the next room.

We did even more damage than that, I think. See, our free computers were set up right next to each other. So we had this contest to see how much free junk we could find on the Internet and have it delivered to our dorm.

The following year (after my life-changing stint in the Merchant Marines) I met the guy who took the room after us. He was still getting packets of barbecue sauce samples sent to his address.

I can only imagine the amounts of Spam and viruses those poor computers took on onaccounta me.

Wednesday night shenanigans

2009-03-18T20:04:00.003-04:00

I'm watching my wife and a friend wade through our liquor cabinet to try and find a new and exciting drink to make. (For full coverage see Marcy's blog, Playtime at Hazmat.

I'm about to kill monsters in Final Fantasy XII. But first, some thoughts on who would play me in a movie.

Right now, and if he lost a few pounds, it'd be Seth Rogen.

I didn't partake in this particular thing last year, and left it to Marcy.

Actually, Seth Rogen could play Mike too.

The BEER extravaganza!!!

2009-03-17T18:50:00.010-04:00

It's St. Patrick's day!! So how could I blog about anything but BEER!

Marcy and I were given a $30 gift card to Beers of the World for a wedding gift. Thanks, Dave!

That was Oct. 27, 2007.

A month later, we bought as many new and interesting beers as we could with it (and threw in some cash of our known). Our goal: Try as many beers as we could (and throw in a couple we liked already.)

In the interest of full disclosure, I tried the last beer tonight. Yes, for a year and a half, the bottle of Skullsplitter you see here has resided in our fridge, waiting for a day when Marcy and I could devote the kind of dissection and consideration we reserved for the other beers on our list.

Well, here we are on St. Patricks Day, March 17, 2009, and I opened the bottle tonight. And it had chunks in it. And it tasted like charred raisins. And it was gross.

SO ... minus a bottle of Skullsplitter (I drank a Blithering Idiot to make up for it) we present our views on a random batch of beer, the nectar that fuels all good things.

1. Brooklyn Brewery's Dark Chocolate Stout

With Marcy to my left on the hand-me-down couch that forms the forest green centerpiece of our small living room, we sat staring at The Soup as Joel McHale conferred his wisdom.

At this particular meal we toasted Dave Wheeler, the guy who made this evening possible.

The Dark Chocolate Stout has a thick, cocoa-y feeling that gives off chocolate notes at first, but quickly converts to a bouquet of hops and a sweet alcoholy finish.

It elicited a hearty belch from the depths of the stomach, and is good for any time of the year (though the brewery only makes it in the fall).

It's somewhat filling, and did we mention it packed a punch?

It's overall a very satisfying dark brew.

2. Samuel Smith's Imperial Stout

This was a heartwarming addition to a hearty meal of split pea soup, bread, and broccoli/cheese bites.

One bottle shared between the two of us lasted thorugh Ninja Warrior and Everybody Loves Raymond.

On this particular Monday, we switched it up on the counch - me on the left, Marcy on the right.

We toasted to a successful 2008 for both of our careers. And that worked ... Marcy was laid off, and I was promoted.

Te stout had strong caramel overtones finished by a cigar-smoke bitterness. And not the second-hand-smoke kind, either.

The Samuel Smith produces a full-bodied but dry burp.

It's very dark; try to look through it and it's like trying to see thorugh a brick.

3. St. Peter's Cream Stout

St. Peter's comes in a nondescript bottle. It's best enjoyed not ice-cold.

We had it with a meal of broiled beef blanketed with melted Gorgonzola, french fries, and broccoli while watching Ghost Hunters.

We tried this on a random Wednesday night sitting across from our Christmas tree.

The stout is dark, sinfully so, but not thick. It's easy to drink and has a nutty overtone, with a finish like molasses but less sweet.

It has a higher carbonation than most stouts, and would be well-paired with red meat.

The toast for this particular evening was to the holidays, family, and my wife.

4. Young's Luxury Double Chocolate Stout

Seeing a pattern here? We learned a lesson: Stout goes with just about anything.

Young's was nicely paired with a ham & cheese panini, broccoli, and roasted corn. We apparently also eat a lot of broccoli.

While watching How It's Made and Jack of All Trades, we enjoyed our Saturday night with a dark, dark brown concoction that was hard to put down.

The Dnouble Chocolate was very much like dark chocolate - smooth, but not sweet. The chocolate lended itself to the taste of a porter - it felt like a thin milkshake.

It also lended itself to a toast: To future home improvement projects and Team Mahoney (including Joxer).

5, Wychcraft Ale

Another night of Jack of All Trades brought a dinner that did not involve broccoli.

The amber ale was served in Guinness pint glasses and was paired with Italian sausage, baked beans, and boiled potatoes.

The Wychcraft is wheaty and dry, light and airy with a scent of mead and faint flowers. It has a smooth, honey aftertaste.

We toasted to Jack of All Trades and the Jack of our future. Take that as you will.

That's it for tonight's beer review. The rest of the beer is assuredly recommended; you should go out and try it right away:

Bluepoint Brewery's Toasted Stout

Dogfish Head's Midas Touch

Framboise Lambic

Beamish

How to make love and influence people the Bryan Mahoney way

2009-03-16T18:29:00.009-04:00

There are many of you out there in the blogosphere who ask me often, "Bryan, how can I be just like you?"

And I often answer, "Suck it."

But today I'm feeling an overwhelming need to connect with you, the loyal Blurb reader, and so for the first time ever I'm going to offer secrets to living life and doing things the right way, the only way, the Mahoney way.

STEP ONE: Be lazy.

I'm not as lazy as I used to be, and I'm not as lazy as my friend Dan who once challenged my wife to a lazy duel.

STEP TWO: Learn some drinking games.

Drinking games let you do two things: Win friends, and lose friends.

It's a virtual inevitability that you will do one or both should you partake in drinking games.

Here are some fun ones:

First, try shotgunning a beer.

Then, I suggest an appropriate alcohol-themed board game. Pass-Out's a good one.

Lastly, become a pro at Beer pong, also known as Beirut. But the best one is "Stumbling Tower" - get a Jenga game, write instructions on each block, and then play according to Jenga directions while at the mercy of whatever is written on the block you pull. Great fun!

STEP THREE: Talk as if you know what you're talking about.

You need what scholars call "An area of expertise." This will allow you more time to make long-winded speeches to strangers at the bar.

SCENARIO 1: The fakeout

If you work at Blockbuster, you should practice talking up movies you've never seen.

Customers asked me all the time what I thought of the movies they had. They would get indignant if I admitted I hadn't seen them.

So I started crafting eloquent lies.

"Oh, yes sir. That obscure Japanese docuhorror about errant shapes that jump off looseleaf paper to kill people is Kubrickian in its delivery, yet almost Spielbergian in the way it makes a commentary on the way World War II just OH SHUT THE HELL UP AND RENT THE MOVIE."

SCENARIO 2: The truth

You could actually talk about what you do for a living. I only know two people who can actually pull this off: One works on "Deal or No Deal;" the other used to work on SpongeBob.

STEP FOUR: Develop a marketable skill.

A few years ago some folks told me Step One just didn't work for them. So I developed Step Four. I must say it really helps in the paying-the-bills department.

The key to having skills is that they have to be good in a fight. I have video game skills; VERY good in a video game fight. I also have Origami skills; these are NEVER good in a fight.

Public speaking skills can help you get out of a fight. Aiming skills would help you point the shotgun in a fight against a zombie.

That's about it. Follow these simple steps and who knows where life will lead you? They led me to Boston, a lovely wife, and a distinguished palate for food and drink. Though these days it's much less about the drink (watching my weight and whatnot).

Thanks for joining today's episode of the Blurb. Stay tuned for tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day extravaganza, which will be all about beer. ALL about beer.

Top 10 foods I miss from Western New York

2009-03-15T11:31:00.013-04:00

Pittsburgh and Buffalo share many things in common: Both are former steel industrial cities, and both saw their heyday about 100 years ago.

And both have some of the most amazing food offerings you'll ever see.

I haven't spent much time in Pittsburgh; my sister went to Pitt and I haven't ben back since. Perhaps that's for another blog. (The Original has the best french fries in the world, FYI.)

I've lived all over Western New York, and to truly appreciate the variety of foods offered there one needs to travel beyond Buffalo and visit its kid brother city, Rochester, and its western suburb, Canada.

Behold: The top 10 foods I miss most from Western New York:

1. Chicken wings (Anchor Bar)

I live in Boston now. Every so often I'm at a restaurant and my friends and I enter the discussion about which place in Boston has the best wings. And it's not even a conversation worth having.

Two years ago I brought my brothers-in-law and a cousin-in-law to Buffalo for my bachelor party. We went to the Anchor Bar for dinner. It was the first time in years I had been there. And thankfully, the place that started it all still produces some of the best wings anywhere.

2. Mom's beer can chicken

Every summer, my neighbors and I throw a couple huge cookouts. One lady makes about 150 Jello shots, another brings some Ethiopian chili to die for. I make a beer-can chicken. And while I learned from the master (my Mom), nothing can truly replicate the feeling of hanging out on the back patio with a Labatt in your hand waiting for the chicken to crisp.

3. Ted's hot dogs/onion rings

To date I've never found an onion ring that rivals the deep-fried mess from Ted's. The crispy conglomeration you get in the grease-soaked wax paper just can't be beat.

Last summer my Mom brought Sahlen's hot dogs (which are used at Ted's) and a jar of Ted's secret chili sauce. I've been able to make a reasonable facsimile of a Ted's hot dog here, but it can never match the real thing.

4. A Labatt Blue ordered in Canada

Labatts is pretty much the gold standard in Buffalo, but the formula exported to America is different from the formula you get when it's ordered domestically. A Blue not only tastes better in Canada, but I'm pretty sure it has more alcohol in it. That, or I just drink more of them when I'm in Canada. Because let's face it, there's not much else to do in Canada.

5. Chicken Wing Pizza

I make a mean chicken wing pizza, using Country Sweet sauce as the base. But I can't get the right kind of blue cheese in Boston to really do it justice.

My college roommate and I invented the chicken wing pizza recipe that I still use today.

True story: Once when I was a reporter in Canandaigua, N.Y., I called a pizza place to order some dinner before a long night of City Council meeting coverage. Over the phone, I explained to the owner my recipe, and asked that he make one such pizza for me. He did, and it was excellent.

A couple weeks later my friend and I went there for lunch. And guess what was on the menu.

No royalties for me, though. I call shenanigans.

6. Beef on weck

There's a bar across from the Boston Garden that shows the Bills games on a big screen every season. It's a lot of fun to be surrounded by 200 Bills fans in downtown Boston each year.

Last year they held a big fundraiser, and contracted with a local bakery to make Kimmelweck rolls specifically for this day. They were magnificent. But you cant find them anywhere else.

There's a roast beef sandwich joint not far from our house that I have yet to try. I keep my fingers crossed, hoping the Roast Beef gods will shine on me*. We'll see.

*My proof that Roast Beef gods exist lies in the fact that Arbys is so successful. I.E. if Arbys can be successful with that substance they call roast beef, then they surely made a pact with the Devil. Vis a vis, if the Devil exists, then the Roast Beef Gods must also exist, and therefore are carving up little red slices of heaven elsewhere in the universe.

7. Dinosaur BBQ anything

Dinosaur Barbecue may be found in Rochester, Syracuse, and ... Harlem? They have smoked wings that are unparallelled, and fried okra that tastes just like Grandma used to make.

Speaking of Grandma ...

8. Grandma's strawberry rhubarb pie

This strawberry rhubarb pie is a virtual wonder in that rhubarb, on its own, does not taste good. It takes a special upper level of cooking skill to make rhubarb taste good in anything. That my grandma can do that on a consistent basis is nothing short of amazing.

9. Chicken wings (Duff's)

I suppose if you're talking about Western New York food you have to mention wings at least once, right/ This marks the third time wings have made my list.

True story: Duff's makes a "Suicide Sauce" that you have to know to ask for; it's not on their menu (at least, it wasn't at the time in which this story takes place). It's delicious, and I don't think I've ever gotten past eating two wings drenched in this hot red death.

Once in high school a bunch of us went there before Swing Choir practice. We dared Greg Baumler to drink a bottlecap full of suicide sauce. He couldn't speak for four hours.

10. Chicken wings (Country Sweet)

OK - so wings make it a fourth time on this list.

I often cook with Country Sweet (HQ'd in Rochester) or use it as a dipping sauce. But to really experience the sweet sin of the C.S., one has to have it in its natural state: On top of batter-fried wings lumped onto a pile of french fries and the random two slices of white bread.

You get extra points for eating the white bread, by the way. I've rarely done this sober.

BufBloPoFo

2009-03-14T10:39:00.006-04:00

The 2009 BufBloPoFo is on!!!

Is you ready? I ain't.

Topic 1: Three biggest things going on in my life right now:

1) face itches

2) Annoyed by creature's voice on Huntik

3) Typing and trying not to misspell things.

That's it? I think I took the first assignment a little too literally. I'll broaden it out:

1) Trying to stick with an aggressive work-out regiment of five days a week, and all before work (I'm on week three!)

2) Today's the unofficial observance of St. Patrick's Day in Boston. It's like Christmas here, except Santa is replaced by a bartender and his elves are replaced by little people wearing leprechaun outfits. I can't wait to open my present, which will be distributed by a tap and will arrive in liquid form.

3) I'm hosting a Webinar for newspapers across the country in mid-April. My topic is online video. This has kicked me in the butt enough to start producing some good online video.

And here are some examples of my video work:

Driving me nuts

2009-03-14T10:38:00.002-04:00

Why don't drivers in Massachusetts pull over when an emergency vehicle comes down the road?

Just sayin'.

Hello again

2009-03-07T14:01:00.006-05:00

It's been a while.

I've been busy moving mountains and whatnot.

In the spirit of what Marcy just did over at playtime at Hazmat, here's a rundown in no particular order of my life since November:

I won a New England Press Association Award.
I started going to the gym five days a week before work. That entails waking up at 5:45 each day. I've only been at it two weeks, so we'll see how it goes.
Marcy and I bought two Guitar Hero guitars and rock even harder than we already did.
Partied hardy for another Meep Day. In this year's annual celebration of all things meep, Marcy made me two T-shirts while I made her a coloring book of scenes from throughout the time we've known each other.
Barack Obama became the president. This is the first time in my lifetime that the guy I voted for actually won.
I made a promise to myself that I would never stop surprising myself. I did this in the physical sense with the gym, but I'm also approaching my work with this philosophy and it's produced surprising results. For example, I hosted a political television debate.

Things video games have taught me

2008-11-25T19:45:00.005-05:00

If a door's locked, return to it later. In general, things that seem impossible to accomplish can be overcome if you consider the problem, and apply hard work, when you leave it alone for a while.
The instruction manual is your friend. Most of the time, reading the directions now may help you with a key ingredient to success. Maybe not now, maybe not on your first or second life, but some time, some day, the manual will come in handy.
The larger the food, the more energy restored. The opposite seems to be true on Thanksgiving though.
I can double-jump in mid-air. Usually, this helps me cross large chasms, especially when running around in spooky castles or spaceships.
Weapons can be found anywhere, but the ones found in treasure chests are harder to find in stores. Stinkin' second amendment.
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, Select, Start. This will always help in a jam, and has helped me (in no particular order) get out of a Spanish test in 10th grade, evade a police cruiser, remember the combination to the lock on our apartment storage locker, sharpen a pencil, and create my recipe for chili.
Zombies make up the rules as they go along. It's always best to identify which type of zombie you're encountering before you dispatch of it. Some zombies are allergic to sunlight. Some are cyborgs. Some die when you remove their heads. Some don't.
In a street fight, chains deal exactly as much damage as knives. So really, it just comes down to personal preference. If you can throw the chain, then bully for you.
Conscription. Constitution. Ocarina. And many other words I otherwise would not know the meaning of if it weren't for the character stat menu screen.
There are two types of old men. On the one hand, there is the doddering old tinkerer who is meant to add comic relief to my otherwise serious quest for a princess, artifact, or power source. The other will tell me a story about a legend from long ago that no one but me will take seriously. Then to everyone else's surprise, his story checks out. In either case they have white flowing hair.

Sunday morning at the Mahoney household

2008-11-19T20:28:00.002-05:00

Why is it that whenever my hair's a mess I look like I'm up to something?

I don't know much about it, but I love it.

2008-11-13T20:08:00.003-05:00

The Wizard of Oz is sacred ground. Especially when it comes to the silver screen.

So what has me so jazzed about this new project to create a new Wizard of Oz movie? Well, for one, it's closer to the author's original vision of what that story was.

It also made me think of my own story.

Years ago, I began a children's book. It's a project close to my heart. It also was waylaid to life getting in the way. Yet I say to people that I'm working on a children's book.

I am, dammit. It's about time I start acting like it.

So with this image in mind, and this passion to bringing a beloved tale to life, I hope to make my own tale breathe.

Starting Saturday.

Third decade starting ... now.

2008-11-08T14:53:00.004-05:00

Here's an example of what Age 30 looks like.

So I'm 30.

Marcy asked me the other day if 30 was how I'd expect it to be. The problem is I never really made many plans past age 30. I said I'd be working toward my Pulitzer by age 30, have a book written by age 30, and get on the cover of a cereal box by age 30.

I've only hit one of those goals.

So now, I guess it's time to take a breath, and look around, and see what I've been doing all this time.

From the looks of it, some pretty good stuff.

I may get hit with space trash.

2008-11-01T23:13:00.003-04:00

Um ... NASA is tracking a piece of space trash the size of a fridge that is going to enter earth's atmosphere tomorrow. They're tracking the trajectory so that they can warn people where and when it's going to land.

NASA better have my cell number.

And this story says an astronaut "jettisoned" it in 2007.

All I'm saying is, if it lands near me I'm jettisoning a foot in someone's butt.

The world's best sauce recipe. And it's yours for free.

2008-11-01T12:54:00.003-04:00

In less than a week, I'll be 30.

Times like these make a guy reflect on his life. Makes him want to give back. This morning I bought four canned goods and gave them to the Boy Scouts outside the grocery store. I had to - they had me at knifepoint and said if I didn't bring back peas for the Food Pantry, they'd find where I live. The short one was real mean.

Anyhoo, in the spirit of birthday giving, I've decided to give back to the community. By that, I mean the community of faithful Blurb readers who've stuck with me all these years.

At about this time in 2006, I told you of a traditional Irish meal I was serving to some guests. Well, the time has come to share that recipe with you, free of charge, as I listen to some traditional Irish music on my couch. That would be Death Magnetic, the new Metallica album.

Mama Mahoney's traditional Irish Spaghetti Sauce with Meatballs

WHAT YOU'LL NEED

MEATBALLS:
1/4 cup seasoned bread crumbs
1 lb. ground beef
1 lb. italian sausage (more if you want to add in a few sausages on their own)
1 tsp garlic powder
Dash of black pepper

SAUCE:
2 12 oz. cans of canned puree
2 12 oz. cans of crushed tomatoes
olive oil
4-6 cloves garlic
1 large onion
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp basil
2 tbsp oregano
4 tbsp parsely
1 tsp salt
1 tsp sugar
1 bay leaf

HOW YOU'LL COOK IT

Combine the ground beef and 1 lb. of sausage (discard the skins). Add in garlic powder and sprinkle in pepper. As you combine the meat, gradually add the bread crumbs. Take some of the mixture and roll into meatballs about 1 and a half inches thick. Should make about 15-20.
In a large skillet on medium heat, brown the meatballs on three sides, leaving one side slightly undercooked. If using sausage, brown them on all side in the same manner.
Leave meatballs on a plate covered in paper towel to dry. Set aside.

In a large pot, heat olive oil on medium heat. Add onions, saute until brown (season with some salt and pepper). Add garlic, continue cooking for another minute.
Gradually stir in puree, then crushed tomatoes, then puree, then crushed tomatoes. Add salt, sugar, and spices.
When sauce comes to a boil, add meatballs (and sausage if you've got it). Reduce heat to low.
Cook for 3 1/2 to 4 hours, stirring occasionally. If using particularly fatty beef, you may need to skim fat as it rises to the top.

Serve with pasta and garlic bread. Add a salad beforehand, and for dessert, a parfait. Everyone loves a parfait.

My modeling days

2008-11-01T10:18:00.003-04:00

I've started male modeling.

What can I say? When you have a mug as good-looking as mine, everybody wants you.

I've already had calls from Donatella, Calvin, and Isaac.

I'll be moving to Paris shortly, but I won't forget you little people.

I've begun my portfolio here.

Jon Hamm's John Ham

2008-10-27T21:06:00.002-04:00

If you haven't seen Saturday Night Live in a while, you don't know what you're missing.

Stunt bug.

2008-10-25T09:50:00.004-04:00

Marcy and I traveled to the wondrous Verizon store recently to sign a two-year contract and hook ourselves up with new phones.

She went for a sleek, silver model while I went for a thin black Motorola number.

Anyhoo, not realizing I could upload my old photos to my new phone, the event was an opportunity to dump off all the photos I've been saving for blog posts.

So check back over the next few weeks for a look at Bryan's life in the last few years, as told through pictures.

First up: Stunt bug.

I found this little guy on my car one morning before I went to work. I tried blowing on him to get him off, but he wouldn't budge. So I got in my car and drove off, thinking he'd fly away eventually.

This photo was taken after I arrived at work. My office is a 15-minute drive from my home, reaching a top speed of 35 mph.

He is the Chuck Norris of kaydids.

No one wants the Bush

2008-10-21T20:27:00.004-04:00

In New Hampshire, a dirty race is on for the U.S. Senate. In one corner, John Sunununununu, stalwart Republican and generally pasty white guy.

In the other corner, Mean Jeanne Shaheen, a former governor and mastermind of John Kerry's presidential run in 2004.

We in Boston get the political ads from both campaigns. That's gotta be one heck of an advertising budget, considering New Hampshire has its own local media market in addition to the ones around Boston.

I've been watching the evolution of their political ads for some time, but I've noticed something lately that made me say, "Great Gipper, wouldja look at that!"

No, neither Sunununununununununu nor Jeanne The Machine Shaheen has really made an effective platform known to me, the curious but ultimately irrelevant out-of-district voter.

I refer, of course, to the almost Kryptonian nature with which they treat the Man That Would Be Bush.

Here's what I mean. First, the anti-Sununununununununununununnunununununu ad:

Next, the stylings of the anti- Lean Green Bean Jeanne Shaheen ad:

So if I was a voter in the district they cover (Thank God I'm not), I would be led to understand that both candidates have voted and paled around with Dubya. And that's a BAD THING. Right?

An aside: Who are people going to vote for?

To answer this question I went to the American Research Group, a thinktank that sounds respectable.

This group has Spleen Sheen Jeanne Shaheen running away with this race, at least as of Oct. 6, with 52 percent of the vote!!!!.

But as for ARG, further research indicates that no, unfortunately, it is NOT respectable.

Or, really, accurate.

The point is, both candidates point to each other as a failure in elected office, then compare their records to another failure in office.

Whether you vote for Sununununununnununununununununununununununnunununununununununununununununununununununununununununu or Jeanne OxyClean Ben Vereen Shaheen, I guess you're really just voting for George Bush to be your next Senator in New Hampshire.

Is it too late to write in Ralph Nader?

Marooned in Harrrrrvarrrrd Square

2008-10-12T11:48:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, pirates Mad Eye Marge and Sweaty Jack descended upon Harvard Square to hand out flyers for the Costume Company in Arrrrrrlington.

A passenger on Boston's subway system was able to get this footage of the swabs as they made their way to Harvard Square.

I am a rock god, and not just in my head this time

2008-10-10T23:49:00.003-04:00

I have discovered the wonders of Guitar Hero.
I've counted many of you as friends over the years, but alas, I have to say goodbye as my free time will now be spent on a fictional stage in a fictional band (Funkenstein, in case you wanted to know) with a molded piece of plastic serving as my instrument.

I've resisted these long years, but now the Guitar Hero has taken over.

I hope to find time to maintain this here blog, but we'll see what happens.

The space time continuum has broken

2008-10-09T07:50:00.004-04:00

I'm happy that Sarah Palin in her debate said government should get out of people's way. It should be made smaller. Hands off!

In fact, that's true to a lot of the tenets of the GOP.

So, um... why does the government want to own banks?

I love you Tom Brokaw.

2008-10-07T21:07:00.024-04:00

Tom Brokaw just told me I am not under the same constraints as the saps sitting at tonight's presidential debate. I felt good about that. Nobody to tell me I can't drink and shout at Tom Brokaw.

And now, a blow-by-blow of the Oct. 7, 2008 presidential debate:

9:14 p.m.: Cyndi Lauper asks the candidates a question.

9:25: Tom brokaw for the 14th time reminded McCain and Obama about time restraints.

9:28: finished dinner.

9:29: Joe Sixpack announces "I don't know what earmarks means."

9:33: Brokaw talks about being drunk. I really like this guy.

9:38: Obama panders to AAA lobbyists by announcing the Straight Talk Express lost a wheel.

9:42: Oh snap! Another Brokaw bitch-slap about sticking to the rules! "I'll stick by my end of the bargain .." BRILLIANT!

9:52: Someone leaves an anonymous comment on this here post that sums up voter apathy: "Nobody cares."

9:56: Obama says "fundamental" a record amount of times in a 45-second time span (four, I think.)

9:59: McCain makes a bad joke about a fine. I, in turn, make a fine bad joke:
A man walks into a bar. He takes a sip from his beer and a voice says," MM, baby - you sure are good-lookin'." The man looks around, but doesn't see anyone. He asks the bar tender, "Hey bar tender - did you hear that?" The bartender says," That's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

10:01: The cat enters the room to eat a snack.

10:04: An observation: Brokaw and McCain have similar ties on. And the lady in the teal sweater keeps smiling and nodding. I don't know what section she's in.

10:10: Obama wants to extend non-military aid to Pakistan. Says "We will kill Bin Laden."

10:11: McCain begins response with his hero is Teddy Roosevelt. He began his last response with "My hero is Ronald Regan."

10:12: We debate follow-ups; Brokaw admits "I'm just hired help."

10:14: McCain responds to Obama; says he knows how to get to Bin Laden. So to paraphrase Keith Olbermann: If he knows how to get Bin Laden, why isn't he sharing that information with the government now?

10:19: Marcy observes that John McCain holds his mic like an ice cream cone. "MMM .. delicious microphone."

10:21: McCain talks intelligently about Russia. If only this country weren't stretched so thin across this tiny planet ...

10:23: Obama finds yet another way to tie in energy to his response; this time about Russia.

10:24: McCain ALSO ties energy in to a response about Russia?

10:25: Telly Savalas is back from the dead. He's sitting behind the guy in the pink shirt that just asked McCain a question.

10:30: Best question of the night: "What don't you know and how will you learn it?"

10:32: McCain actually answers that question. Sort of. "What I don't know is what the unexpected will be." Obama just gave a speech.

10:34: Brokaw can't read his script because the candidates stood in front of it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

G'night everybuddy.

Hi. I'm back.

2008-10-07T21:06:00.002-04:00

Look, no long explanations about why I've been away. Just know that I still love you, and the Blurb is Back.

I have seen the light

2008-08-05T22:16:00.005-04:00

And it is chili on spaghetti.

Weird, yes. It's a delicacy I enjoyed in California in May. I think I may never go back to the white rice on which I previously enjoyed.

This evening I made the dish with my own batch of chili, itself a masterpiece thanks to the hot pepper my mom gave me from her garden. A veritable triumph for the palate, the mixture of noodle and thick chili is a veritable smorgasbord of international relations, akin to Italy's alliance with Spain in World War I.*

Sweet Jeebus that was awesome.

*I did not at all look that up. In fact, it wouldn't be stretching it if I said I made that up completely. So, to make up for an utter lack of research, here's a photo of me, Marcy, and the SpongeBob gang eating chili at Chili John's in California.

Without a hitch.

2008-07-29T22:07:00.006-04:00

This is my mom.

She used to make my Halloween costumes from scratch. Often, the Buffalo, N.Y. winters came well before Oct. 31, and we were stuck with baggy costumes that you could slide a winter coat under.

Thus, we were often clowns, monsters, and generally fat people.

But I digress.

Last April, my dad decided to throw a surprise party for her 60th birthday. The picture at right is the birthday girl in her special hat made by one of her friends.

I had to push her through the door when we arrived at the banquet hall. She could only exclaim, "OH MY GOD." She hates surprises.

I swung around and was able to take the photo below (That's the owner of the restaurant on the left. He was in on it.). Then it was a night of drinking and eating and reconnecting with family we hadn't seen in years.

When we got home, Mom, Dad, Laura and I let the party go well into the night.

In September, my sister is heading for New Zealand for about a year. It felt good to blow off steam last weekend, and have one big bash before she leaves.

Mom says she's still reeling from the excitement Saturday. She and Dad broke into another of her gifts tonight. She received many bottles of wine and beer.

Her friends know her well.

Tim.

2008-07-21T20:39:00.002-04:00

There's something very non-threatening about the name "Tim."

I was just watching American Gladiators and they announced:

"NEXT UP: BEAST VERSUS tim."

Politics of grilling

2008-07-13T12:05:00.006-04:00

I find myself sliding in and out of a new summertime ritual: The neighborhood cookout.

My neighbors and I threw a big one last summer. Another flamed up in June - to celebrate the Solstice, for you pagans out there.

They start slow. I wheel the grill out from behind the steps, squeaking and grinding until we reach the corner of the parking lot. This is the Patio, where my neighbors and I solve the world's problems. (Today's topics: Iran and Israel's relationships, how to avoid war, and Rick James' drug habit).

I prefer the meats you have to slow-cook; chicken, pork, etc. If I really want to drag it out (like today) I go all in. Beer can chicken. That's a whole chicken perched upright atop a half-can of beer. The beer evaporates and cooks it from the inside out, leaving the outside crispy and the inside tender.

I can't think of a place I've lived where the neighbors were so ready to welcome you in, take an interest in what you have to say or do, or help you out with anything you need.

Sort of a primordial thing, really, with all of us huddled around the fire.

But we do have one important thing the cavemen didn't: Microbrews.

Which one is from Hell?

2008-07-01T16:41:00.003-04:00

I mean, that beard/goatee is pretty evil...

Believe the hype.

2008-06-30T12:36:00.003-04:00

In the interest of full disclosure, this is the text of an e-mail I sent to my friend Joey C. after seeing Wall E last night. Joe and I talked about the sick reviews it was getting over the weekend, so I sent him my thoughts this morning.

Wall-E is all that.

I stop short of saying, "and more," because I thought the ending tied everything together TOO neatly.

But the story itself is amazing, as is the animation. It's got everything you'd want in a great movie, and I guess I didn't realize the underlying story at the center of it, which I won't spoil if you haven't seen it yet.

I love that no trailer or commerical has revealed anyhting past the first 20 minutes of the movie. I love that there is just one story arc, but deftly explored on two levels. And Ben Burtt is the man.

It officially has the coolest ending-credit sequence of any movie ever made (Yes, it trumps The Incrediibles and the Return of the King credits), with a kickass song by Peter Gabriel that actually relates to the movie's plot. Expect many a capella groups to emulate it in the coming years.

Albuquerque

2008-06-28T18:39:00.001-04:00

Wokka wokka doo doo yeah.

I suggest visiting the Albuqurque Holiday Inn, where you could eat soup out of the ashtrays if you wanted to. Just avoid the one-nostriled hermaphrodites.

Shiv? Check. Bazooka? Check. Half-baked plan? Check.

2008-06-25T17:40:00.005-04:00

In this day and age, can't you find just about everything in an Army/Navy store?

I mean, if I'm going to rob a store with a fake bazooka, and I'm not saying I am, but if I was, I'd do a quick Google search to see if I could maybe, possibly, remotely buy one on the cheap.

This is of course assuming this guy hadn't thought of that BEFORE he tried to rob the store with the fake bazooka.

From WMUR in New Hampshire:

A Salem, N.H., man has been charged with trying to rob three stores in 30 minutes, and in one case, a clerk thought he was armed with a bazooka, police said.
Police said Steven Conde, 28, tried to rob a Lawrence store Tuesday afternoon by ordering a clerk to put money into a plastic bag, but he left with nothing.
At a second location, police said, he entered the store with what employees thought was an intimidating weapon.
"He came in through the door with a plastic bag over his head and had two holes cut in it, and he had, like, a bazooka and he tried to assault us," store owner Eduvigis Ortega said.

Read the whole story here.

Marcy SMASH!!!

2008-06-15T10:52:00.005-04:00

Saw the Incredible Hulk yesterday. BUT there was a slight problem.

On our way there Marcy and I had to get gas. We stopped by a Sunoco next to some medical labs that were doing some late-night gamma ray testing.

And ... um ... let's just say I don't mess with my wife, and you shouldn't either.

Making a splash in L.A.

2008-06-14T13:06:00.004-04:00

Over at Playtime at Hazmat, my wife's blog, you'll find photos of our trip to L.A. Good times!

Oh my GOD I love Public Access

2008-06-04T23:08:00.004-04:00

So right now I'm watching figure skating, and it's awesome.

This group of little girls came out first, skating - no, shuffling - to a medley of Muppets songs. The poor things can barely stand up. OOH - one went down hard.

I had to share this with somebody.

"Laura, turn to channel 8" I told my sister on the phone. She lives a couple towns away.

"Murder She Wrote? Why? What's up?"

Damn. Different public access system.

The Basic 2 class is up now, skating to Chubby Checker. They're slightly better. OH! Another one's on her butt!

"Listen to you, crushing kids' dreams for your entertainment," Marcy called from the other room.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Bad ice skating is funny.

Fango.

2008-06-03T21:41:00.003-04:00

Something to fill space

2008-06-03T11:20:00.007-04:00

I realized today the bottom post was still about my haircut and beard shaving excursion.

There HAS to be more in life, right? So here's a blog post worthy of blog posting.

My mom is coming up from Buffalo this weekend, driving herself, my grandmother, and my aunt from London.

Wait a minute - that sentence is wrong. They are not driving from London across the Atlantic to Boston. That would require a Duck Boat and a lot of gas.

Instead, I meant to say my aunt, who is from London, will be visiting along with my mom and grandmother.

Mom asked if I needed anything from Buffalo. Here's the shopping list I gave her:

(Actually, she's bringing Ted's hot sauce. Not Ted's hot dogs. That would be overkill, since they use Sahlen's, which she's bringing anyway.)

A rundown of LA

2008-06-01T11:51:00.004-04:00

We returned yesterday from a week in L.A. Until then my personal knowledge of Western geography was limited to Chicago.

Marcy was a great tour guide, having lived there for five years already. She and her friend Beth knew a secret way up to the Hollywood sign, passing one of Madonna's houses. Nice.

We visited some of her other friends at work, which meant visiting the studios at Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. One of the shows on which her friend works, Flapjack, debuts next week. We got a preview, and let's just say it's HILARIOUS.

No trip to L.A., and indeed Hollywood, would be complete without a visit to the Walk of Fame, a movie, and sighting of a celebrity. We accomplished all three.

The Walk of Fame was fun; it's a lot longer than I'd thought. I felt bad about stepping on Robin Williams, but I lost my balance trying to look down while walking.

We saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull at Universal Studios Sunday. That was fun, and I liked the movie as much as I thought I would. I won't give away the ending; let's just say I'm glad Indy kept the hat.

Later in the week we visited an impressive art gallery, the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

Thankfully, many of its collections left me less confused than many art installations I've visited.

The work at right is a Monet, which I missed in my trip but the place is huge and it's easy to miss things. The gallery had some of Andy Warhol's more famous work, which was great to see. I don't think I've ever actually seen a Warhol.

And now the moment you've been waiting for: My official celebrity sighting.

While at LACMA, we visited the gift shop at the end of the day. Sitting alone eating dinner at the gallery restaurant was Charles Dance, who I kept telling people was the bad guy in both The Golden Child and Last Action Hero. Mostly I got blank stares.

C'mon, people. SARDO NUMSPA. Here's some dialogue:

SARDO: I've been waiting to meet you, Mr. Yarrell.

FU: [Indescribable Tibetan language]

CHANDLER JARELL (Eddie Murphy): Get your monkey off my back.

SARDO: Of course. Fu, please retire.

CHANDLER JARRELL: Yeah, Fu. Save it.

Or, Benedict, from Last Action Hero:

JACK SLATER (Arnie Scwarzenegger): Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to load the damn gun!

BENEDICT: No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.

Check back later for more about the trip!

REVIEW: City of Ember

2008-05-22T19:39:00.004-04:00

This fall, you'll see posters and signs for City of Ember, aND IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE TRAILER YET YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY CHECK IT OUT. IF FOR NOTHING ELSE, BILL MURRAY.

Crap. Caps lock. Sorry. Not re-typing it.

Anyhoo, I went out and bought the book. Also bought its two sequels (which sucks when you know that the story's going to be continued.)

The book is great. Really, nicely done. A simple story but it gets rolling toward a goal that is somewhat surprising, though you likely will figure it out if you're 16 years older than the intended readership age. Like me.

Anyhoo, The story is this: This mysterious city is all alone in the dark, dark world. No lights from the sky or anywhere else except the lamps powered throughout the city. By these lights the Emberians live, but recently the lights are flickering or staying off longer than normal. And everyone can sense an impending Doom, though two frends are the only ones who can do anything about it.

It's a familiar formula to the Harry Potter series, if you're just going by the above paragraph. But I had to write a LOT at work this week, so cut me some metaphorical slack. It's really not like Harry Potter at all.

So here's the thing about the book: It starts off as a great story, but in the last third of the book you can sense when the author finally gets an idea that she's not going to finish the book at all, but rather continue it into an Epic Saga. Do you remember the days when books and movies stood on their own? When sequels didn't have to be so much a part of the creative process? I kind of wish this story stood on its own, because if the quirky and quiet marketing campaign doesn't draw asses in the seats this movie might never get the sequel treatment it needs to stay true to the books.

Of course, it's Hollywood. It's not like they're coming up with anything else.

Giant squirrel infestation

2008-05-15T08:42:00.004-04:00

BOSTON, Mass. - A rogue team of special ops mercenaries was credited by the White House today with ending the three-day carnage that ensued when a North Shore nuclear plant exploded, spraying radioactive waste throughout a five-mile radius and causing incidents of gigantism in small, woodland rodents.

The giant animals went on a killing spree through much of the northern half of Middlesex County, tearing up homes and grocery stores specifically.

A statement from the White House this morning said that a team of ex-special forces led by G.I. Bill recipient Sgt. Joseph Curtis and Sgt. Conrad S. Hauser dispatched from Hanscom Air Force Base in Lincoln just before 4 p.m. Tuesday. Within 16 hours the team, which included an ex-pro wrestler named Sgt. Slaughter and a blind ninja, killed or captured 14 squirrels, bunnies, and one 17-foot-long alligator. The alligator mat have just been in the sewers and not actually involved in the nuclear plant explosion, according to the White House.

More on this story as it develops.

Surprise, life.

2008-05-06T09:46:00.004-04:00

I delight in doing the unexpected.

"Who's she?" You might ask. Ah, friends, 'tis a good day when you jar someone out of their routine and give them something to think of all day. It's why I'm in the business I'm in. That, and I hate money. I hate having it, or looking at it, and I'd rather not have any lying around when bills come because then I'd pay them and who wants to do that? It sickens me that I've wasted so many Star Wars stamps heading to my car insurance company.

This morning there was a disgruntled man on the porch of my office. Yes, my office has a porch. He was asking another man who works in my building how to get to a certain place. Just so happens the information guy strolls up. That's me. I happened to know there was a press conference at the address he was trying to find. But to make things worse for him, that address doesn't exist yet. It's a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a business that will one day be there.

I gave him directions. But I was about 70 percent sure of where I was sending him. I don't know Lexington very well. I know where the Revolution started because I can see it from my office window. Other than that, I'm useless.

If he finds it, surprise! If he doesn't find it, uh, surprise!

I should have sent him off with a Darth Maul stamp for his trouble, but my last one went to Verizon, where I hope he opened a can of whoopass in the middle of the customer service department.

It's about the experience, people.

2008-04-27T21:11:00.006-04:00

On Thursday the fine folks at GameStop who already held $25 of my money toward the new Mario Kart Wii game imparted to me a cryptic message: If you're coming to get the game Sunday, get here early to get your Wii Wheel.

Confused, I dumbly waggled my head up and down, jaw slackened. Sure. Get here early. Got it. I was under the impression the game came with one. Perhaps it was a limited-time only thing. Marcy and I continued with our evening, and I made a small mental note to wake up early Sunday.

Which was today. At 8:45 a.m. I was in the shower; a little later than I'd hoped because I was determined not to have a repeat of what happened with Super Mario Brawl. When THAT game came out, gamers lined up around the block to get in the store for their copies. I stupidly thought I could just call a store that day and expect them to have an extra one in stock. Stupid me.

But not with Mario Kart. Today I was prepared. Coffee percolated while I decided on whether to wear the Zelda shirt or the Ash from Army of Darkness shirt. I was reasonably sure the store opened at 10, which would give me about 45 minutes in the line to chat with fellow Kart-seekers. Were they a Zelda crowd or an Ash crowd?

In the end I decided they'd be neither. We'd likely have to talk about Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I don't have a shirt for that.

I raced through Winchester and into Burlington. In the parking lot I saw Game Stop's OPEN sign was lit up. Worse, no line. CRAP, I thought. They've already let everybody in! I really wanted that wheel now, not as a crucial piece of technology with which to play the game; I just wanted one on principal, since I understood when I paid the down payment I'd be entitled to one.

Coffee in hand, I entered GameStop. Two other customers were in the store. Wii Wheels and MarioKarts were piled up to the ceiling.

"Um ... I'd like my copy of MarioKart please," I mumbled to the clerk. "Sure," he said. "Would you like to reserve any other games today?"

"Wait. That's it? I just get my wheel and my game and I go home?"

"Yeah," GameStopDude said. "That's it."

No conversation. No waiting in line. No pageantry.

I took my plastic bag and I went home. The game sat on the coffee table until about 7:30 when Marcy and I finished chores and dinner. It was a lot of fun.

But it would have been more fun if I had to fight for it.

Ash 'n' Abe

2008-04-26T23:12:00.004-04:00

This strange paint job was on the hood of a car in the parking lot of Marshalls Thursday.

If only Abraham Lincoln welded a chainsaw to HIS arm ... that Booth guy wouldn't have had a chance ...

"Yer DEAD, Abe! Dead I tell ya! Long live the South!!!"

"Ah, just like a Booth, Booth. Brings a gun to a chainsaw fight. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" bbzzzzzz .... BLAM .... bzzzzz AAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA "NOOOOO, Abe, WHYYYY!?!?!!"

Based on the latest presidential debates ...

2008-04-24T19:07:00.002-04:00

I choose Barack Obama based on this debate for best catchphrase.

THough I'd be proud to call myself a McCainiac too.

Cool things of the moment

2008-04-08T19:42:00.003-04:00

Here are things making me happy right now:

1) Not having cable. To be specific, not having channels above channel 24. There's a freedom that comes with getting id of cable, like jumping from a plane without a parachute.

2) Blockbuster Online. Hells yes. Signed up and ordered three movies Sunday. They came today. First up: Beyond the Mat.

3) Wii online. We moved the Wii from the guest room (video game room) to the living room, where it now picks up my signal for the Internet. Bought two games online for it: Super Mario Bros. and Kid Icarus. Why? Because when I was growing up my friend hogged the Nintendo every time we played these games. Now I am the master.

Jacked-up Jedi hijinks

2008-03-31T20:40:00.008-04:00

Can't. think. of blog.

A post shall come soon about Meep Day, which is the annual Mahoney family rite of spring/winter (sprinter or wring don't work) where gifts are made, not bought. We do this instead of Valentines Day, which is celebrated by watching Army of Darkness and thumbing our collective noses at Hallmark.

Because really: Are we better off with Valentine's Day? I say nay.

Instead, here are all the references to Star Wars I've come across in the last three days:

At an Urban Outfitters in Connecticut yesterday, I came across a Star Wars cookbook.
On Family Guy, Stewie just froze a guy in Carbonite.
While walking in downtown New Haven, Conn. we came across a mailbox painted like R2D2.
I paid two bills today using the last of our Star Wars stamps which were stuck onto the reply envelopes for our wedding. Darth Vader went to car insurance; Obi Wan Kenobi has gone to the electric company.
While visiting Ain't It Cool News I came across an ad for Spike TV advertising the whole series.

Beard Watch 2008

2008-03-21T18:30:00.004-04:00

IT IS DONE.

From this day onward, which I feel begun

Both in me, and without me, and so last

To perpetuity; Ay, me, that fear

Come thund'ring back with dreadful revolution

On my defenseless head; both Death and I

Am found Eternal, and incorporate both,

Nor I on my part single, in mee all

Posterity stands cursed ...

-Paradise Lost, Book X, lines 811-818

John Milton

BeardWatch 2008.

2008-03-20T22:17:00.003-04:00

If you haven't seen me lately, here's what I look like.

A few weeks ago, the beard had a close call. A close shave, if you will.

It looked bad for the beard, when during a routine trim I got too close with the sideburn. Nearly shaved the thing clear off, which would have boded badly for the rest of the beard.

I have spent all year with facial hair. But that may soon come to an end. It will be a slightly bittersweet departure, to be sure, but it's almost spring (weatherwise, regardless of what your desk calendar says about today) and the chin yearns to breathe free.

Stay tuned.

The things you learn.

2008-03-18T07:48:00.004-04:00

Last night I curled on the couch for much-needed rest. We went to the gym, always a bad idea after you skip it a week when you're sick.

On the History Channel there were two shows; one about beer and one about whiskey.

I learned:

An India Pale Ale is not made in India. It's a British ale that was made very hoppy so it would survive the long trip from England to India.

The Jack Daniels distillery burns its own wood to create the charcoal that it filters its whiskey through.

The most potent beer is brewed by the Sam Adams co. Called Utopias, it is 27 % alcohol.

Mexican beers Corona and Dos Equis were actually started last century by Germans and Austrians looking to make their way into the American microbrew market.

The oak barrels from the production of Jim Beam are recycled by being shipped to the Jameson distillery in Ireland where they are filled with Jameson whiskey. That whiskey is then flavored by the Jim Beam bourbon that has soaked into the barrel for the last two years.

St. Patrick the Great

2008-03-17T07:48:00.005-04:00

And now, a word from our sponsor:

Beer.

By Psychostick.

I like beer 'cos it is good
I drink beer because I should
if there is a song to sing
I sing it and beer you bring
I drink beer when I am sad
'cuz the beer it makes me glad
now there's nothing left to say
so lets go drink beer

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
... and Stuff

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
let's go drink some BEER

BEER

when its warm it taste's real crappy
but cold beer will make me happy
when I throw up on the floor
I can go and drink some more
they say beer will make me dumb
it are go good with pizza
now that we have drunk some beer
lets go drive a car

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
....and stuff

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
let's go drink some BEER

Beer

uh dude.. I think you've had enough
...No

lets go drink some beer.

Dog on blog

2008-03-14T18:24:00.002-04:00

http://view.break.com/468548 - Watch more free videos

One year later, and beer is still good.

2008-03-14T10:46:00.003-04:00

Don't cry for me, Blogentina (soft G), but I have cut back significantly on beer. Since Jan. 1, I've been cutting back and cutting back. Partially it's so that I can have more time to work out (pants fit me again!) but also it has increased our budget more significantly than I would like, which means I was drinking A LOT of beer for the second half of 2007. Not all at once; but a guy does not need a beer at every meal.

Oh, who am I kidding? I miss beer. Am I sad or what?

Then I came upon my blog post from a year ago, and saw me in my spiffy new haircut, and I thought to myself, "That was a good day."

But I'm about to embark on a journey to Ra Cha Cha for the weekend, and I have a feeling beer is in my future. Sweet, glorious beer.

Hey you Democrats

2008-03-13T19:31:00.003-04:00

Specifically, Howard Dean:

I'm no politics expert. OK, actually, I know a thing or two about politics.

Why do you not want your party to take control of the White House? Why are you pulling for John McCain to win? I mean, that's cool and all, but I thought the whole point of the primaries and the presidential race was so that your party wins. But one hell of a strategy if this is all part of the plan, then, I'm sorry.

Rather than use a valuable two-month window between state primaries to formulate a platform against the other party, you're instead going to continue infighting. I wish I had at my fingertips the results of the 2004 primaries, and when specifically you knew Kerry was your man. And Gore before him, for that matter.

At what point does Dean step in and say, "Enough already. That was fun. You win, (Barack/Hillary)."

And Florida? How worthless is Florida? "Hi. I'm a voter in Florida. I've been told my vote doesn't matter and the Democrats want to spend $10 million on a new election or a recount. But no one knows who will be expected to pay for it. Oh wait .. I do, because it will be state, federal or local taxes that foot the bill."

I mean really. Come on. I thought around this time in 2001 the Dems would have sat back and said, "Sheesh. We really fudged that. Next time let's put up a candidate who can't lose. More importantly, let's hope Bush puts the country in the crapper and then we won't even need a can't lose; we'll just need one that has a pulse."

Three years later, their prayers answered, the party has another battle for a candidate. It's always an uphill climb to unseat an incumbent, but c'mon; by the time the 2004 election rolled around the country was past forgiving the presidents' blunders (lest ye forget at one point, post-9/11, the president enjoyed fabulous ratings in the polls). Ya needed someone with a pulse. Instead you put up John Kerry.

Now you have two candidates with fire in their bellies, and you're lost. We like 'em both, you say. Well McCain, while old and past his prime and also old, is practically an incumbent. Fringe voters remember his name from 2000; and then as now he enjoyed a more middle-of-the-road reputation than his Republican contemporaries.

It's an uphill climb for one candidate, let alone two. It's a mess, and again Florida is somehow involved. Here's a thought for the free time until the next state primary: Use it to establish a party line. Pick a candidate to run with it, and stick to it. Start convincing the undecideds out there (like me) that you've actually got a game plan, and your candidate is a professional who can actually run a country.

When the writers get settled in ...

2008-03-13T18:56:00.006-04:00

... and everything's back to normal in TV land, I hope we get some better TV. I can't say there's much grabbing me out there; even Lost has lost its luster.

The I read this article at Ain't It Cool.

Nothing would please me more than to have Ben Browder and his gang revive Farscape. But this? Well, this could be something REALLY special. Browder the movie star?! If only.

Woman sits on can for two years

2008-03-13T18:53:00.002-04:00

Everybody see this? Good.

The next time you get yelled at for staying on the pot too long, remember: It could be worse.

Click it

What you don't know can't hurt me

2008-03-12T07:36:00.003-04:00

Here at the Blurb we do everything in the interest of full disclosure.

Here are some facts you may find interesting. Or not. It's really up to you. To be honest, I don't care what you think. Maybe I do. No, wait ... yes, yes I do care.

I'm indecisive in my personal life
If I accidentally hit the Caps Lock, I'd rather type a long explanation about why I'm shouting rather than go and delete what I've written and retype it.
My thighs don't rub together as much when I walk as they did in January. (I've been going to the gym).
When I was 13 I ran a 5k with my dad. I've never in my life been able to run more than a mile. To my credit, I ran two that day. The third I cheated by climbing a berm separating the road we were running on; thereby cutting 3/4 of a mile out of the race.
Considering I get enough of the news at work, my main news source at home is Ain't it Cool News.
If I won a million dollars I would give $400,000 to charity. Two reasons: Help sick kids, and take less of a hit on the taxes. The other $600,000 would probably go to a college fund for my eventual kids, likely covering half of the tuition.
I have had facial hair for the whole year so far. (Actually started the beard in November, making this the longest I've ever gone.)
My least favorite number is 9.
I'm a Sudoku savant.
I call Marcy "Marge." Marge Fartski.