Burn Notice proves only cockroaches, Chuck Norris and Bruce Campbell will survive the apocalypse. But the cockroaches and Chuck won't survive Bruce.

When Bruce Campbell is dead, people will visit his grave as they might for Jim Morrison, John Lennon or Elvis. It helps that Bruce has actually played Elvis in a movie - he probably knows what he's in for.

A guy like Bruce doesn't have to toss out money when he takes the stage at Comic-Con; his reputation and enormous head (am I being figurative or literal here? I don't know) precede him well before he arrives in the room. I saw this first-hand as Marcy and I waited in the loooong Burn Notice line hours before the actual panel began. Bruce Campbell is the only celebrity whose face appears on two T-shirts that I own. He is also the only celebrity I am interested in who also owns his own line of soup.

Attending a Comic-Con panel for a show/movie/comic book/artist you've never experienced or heard of is like going on a blind date, and halfway through the date the girl tells you she's famous and you feel guilty for not having known that. Then you go home and watch the TV series she's in, and it turns out she kicks ass on TV and you've decided she kicks ass in real life too so you get married and have babies. Ass-kicking, chainsaw-wielding, demon-skeleton-warrior killing, babies.

That's how I felt after completing the first season of Burn Notice, a show that has absolutely no business being at Comic-Con except to give Bruce an excuse to attend. As if he needs one.

The show centers around Michael Westin, a spy who is forced out of his chosen profession (they call it getting burned) and so he returns to his hometown of Miami to help the Golden Girls fight drug lords. Betty White's performance is great; the others are a little stiff.

One of Michael's friends is Sam, played by Bruce Almighty. Sam's schtick is to have friends in every level of government so as to provide necessary information/exposition about the bad guy of the week. I'm waiting for him to call in the Girl Scouts to help crack the case of the cookie bandit.

It's a great show, providing ample opportunity for Bruce to get his ass kicked and kick some ass. I'm ready to fire up Season Two.

Hail to the King, baby.

Wal-Mart takes us a little farther into Hell

Wal-Mart's latest television spot ends like this (paraphrased):

Wal-Mart. Official sponsor of office supplies and Father's Day.

Wal-Mart, you can claim all the inanimate objects you want. Heck, you can even sponsor the Pyramid of the Moon and Teotihuican for all I care. But you're taking Father's Day away from us?
For shame.

Jon Hamm's John Ham

If you haven't seen Saturday Night Live in a while, you don't know what you're missing.

Tim.

There's something very non-threatening about the name "Tim."

I was just watching American Gladiators and they announced:

"NEXT UP: BEAST VERSUS tim."

Which one is from Hell?

I mean, that beard/goatee is pretty evil...

Oh my GOD I love Public Access

So right now I'm watching figure skating, and it's awesome.

This group of little girls came out first, skating - no, shuffling - to a medley of Muppets songs. The poor things can barely stand up. OOH - one went down hard.

I had to share this with somebody.

"Laura, turn to channel 8" I told my sister on the phone. She lives a couple towns away.

"Murder She Wrote? Why? What's up?"

Damn. Different public access system.

The Basic 2 class is up now, skating to Chubby Checker. They're slightly better. OH! Another one's on her butt!

"Listen to you, crushing kids' dreams for your entertainment," Marcy called from the other room.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Bad ice skating is funny.

A rundown of LA

We returned yesterday from a week in L.A. Until then my personal knowledge of Western geography was limited to Chicago.

Marcy was a great tour guide, having lived there for five years already. She and her friend Beth knew a secret way up to the Hollywood sign, passing one of Madonna's houses. Nice.

We visited some of her other friends at work, which meant visiting the studios at Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. One of the shows on which her friend works, Flapjack, debuts next week. We got a preview, and let's just say it's HILARIOUS.

No trip to L.A., and indeed Hollywood, would be complete without a visit to the Walk of Fame, a movie, and sighting of a celebrity. We accomplished all three.

The Walk of Fame was fun; it's a lot longer than I'd thought. I felt bad about stepping on Robin Williams, but I lost my balance trying to look down while walking.

We saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull at Universal Studios Sunday. That was fun, and I liked the movie as much as I thought I would. I won't give away the ending; let's just say I'm glad Indy kept the hat.

Later in the week we visited an impressive art gallery, the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.

Thankfully, many of its collections left me less confused than many art installations I've visited.

The work at right is a Monet, which I missed in my trip but the place is huge and it's easy to miss things. The gallery had some of Andy Warhol's more famous work, which was great to see. I don't think I've ever actually seen a Warhol.

And now the moment you've been waiting for: My official celebrity sighting.

While at LACMA, we visited the gift shop at the end of the day. Sitting alone eating dinner at the gallery restaurant was Charles Dance, who I kept telling people was the bad guy in both The Golden Child and Last Action Hero. Mostly I got blank stares.

C'mon, people. SARDO NUMSPA. Here's some dialogue:

SARDO: I've been waiting to meet you, Mr. Yarrell.

FU: [Indescribable Tibetan language]

CHANDLER JARELL (Eddie Murphy): Get your monkey off my back.

SARDO: Of course. Fu, please retire.

CHANDLER JARRELL: Yeah, Fu. Save it.

Or, Benedict, from Last Action Hero:

JACK SLATER (Arnie Scwarzenegger): Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to load the damn gun!

BENEDICT: No, Jack. I just left one chamber empty.

Check back later for more about the trip!

Cool things of the moment

Here are things making me happy right now:

1) Not having cable. To be specific, not having channels above channel 24. There's a freedom that comes with getting id of cable, like jumping from a plane without a parachute.

2) Blockbuster Online. Hells yes. Signed up and ordered three movies Sunday. They came today. First up: Beyond the Mat.

3) Wii online. We moved the Wii from the guest room (video game room) to the living room, where it now picks up my signal for the Internet. Bought two games online for it: Super Mario Bros. and Kid Icarus. Why? Because when I was growing up my friend hogged the Nintendo every time we played these games. Now I am the master.

The things you learn.

Last night I curled on the couch for much-needed rest. We went to the gym, always a bad idea after you skip it a week when you're sick.

On the History Channel there were two shows; one about beer and one about whiskey.

I learned:

An India Pale Ale is not made in India. It's a British ale that was made very hoppy so it would survive the long trip from England to India.

The Jack Daniels distillery burns its own wood to create the charcoal that it filters its whiskey through.

The most potent beer is brewed by the Sam Adams co. Called Utopias, it is 27 % alcohol.

Mexican beers Corona and Dos Equis were actually started last century by Germans and Austrians looking to make their way into the American microbrew market.

The oak barrels from the production of Jim Beam are recycled by being shipped to the Jameson distillery in Ireland where they are filled with Jameson whiskey. That whiskey is then flavored by the Jim Beam bourbon that has soaked into the barrel for the last two years.

When the writers get settled in ...

... and everything's back to normal in TV land, I hope we get some better TV. I can't say there's much grabbing me out there; even Lost has lost its luster.

The I read this article at Ain't It Cool.

Nothing would please me more than to have Ben Browder and his gang revive Farscape. But this? Well, this could be something REALLY special. Browder the movie star?! If only.

Saturday mornings

The only thing that will change when Marcy and I have kids one day is that we won't be the only ones watching cartoons.

Cartoon mania, part II

I received a lot of feedback on my post to name the best cartoon intros ever.

So I scoured Youtube and found a couple more oldies but goodies. Seems there's a real market for those of us that enjoyed the old-school cartoons.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES


BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES


GUMMI BEARS


SPIDER-MAN


THE ULIMATE 80s MIX, PART 1


THE ULIMATE 80s MIX, PART 2

In honor of sweeps

I know I'm a little early thinking about primetime sweeps, but I was pondering last night the volume of shows that are getting off their rerun schedules in the coming weeks. Is it just me, or was there a time when shows took off a week or two at Christmas then resumed immediately after the New Year? Do shows still do that? I watch so very little TV these days.

With sweeps in mind, and Lost getting back into full-swing, I present you with this short video to get you caught up on what you may have missed in the series so far.

Ten Truisms

1. No matter how much cabinet space you have, spatulas are difficult to hide away.
2. Every time your mom says, "I'm cutting back on Christmas this year," be prepared to haul twice as much stuff back home with you after the holidays.
3. Marriage sucks sometimes. This, obviously, I cannot say first-hand. But my 16-year-old future cousin-in-law offered that as a toast during our engagement/Christmas party thrown by her family last weekend. However, as all things do, on occasion, suck, I must say that's a broad enough statement to stick by. To wit: Rolling over on Sunday morning after dreaming of flying to a magical castle made of prime numbers, you are faced with a wall of stench billowing from your betrothed's open maw, only to have your eyebrows and eyelashes curled at the reek as you rouse yourself. Now THAT sucks.
4. Everything is better with cheese. Likewise, every recipe, no matter how botched, can in some way be saved by cheese.
5. Cats can get comfortable anywhere.
6. Mathematicians are a dime a dozen. Writers are diamonds in the rough. And tax accountants are the square root of beige.
7. When asked, a person would rather not know what's in his/her hot dog.
8. A man's salary is directly proportional to the amount of shame he is willing to bury.
9. Television re-enactments of crimes are always better lit than the actual crimes committed.
10. A person who laughs is always rich. A person who is rich rarely laughs.

Best. Cartoon intros. Ever.

This song is a colossal earworm. But I love pausing it and looking at all the out-of-work animators toward the end. I can relate. Now where did i put my barrell?



Or if you're like me, and I KNOW you are, you'll enjoy this lovely bit o anime fun. Of course, you haven't lived until you've seen Marcy's choregraphy. Really puts it in a new perspective.

Me, Famous.

A few months ago, I embarked on what could one day be a second career: That of television journalist.

Don't believe me? Then lay out the placemat for this visual feast:



And eat THIS, Dan Rather (or drink it, rather. Um ... yeah.):