Top Five Time Wasters

5. Work

4. Filibusters

3. Golf

2. Watching golf

1. Getting drunk and passing out and waking up in Mexico and finding a new tattoo and discovering it says “Beulah” and forgetting Beulah’s phone number and hitching back to the U.S. border and being denied access because you don’t have your passport considering you last remember another round of Schnapps in New York and trying to hop the new fence that wasn’t there the last time you were in Mexico and remembering your roommate from college still owes you 20 bucks from Cancun and sneaking into a truck full of migrant workers and remembering seventh-grade Spanish and forgetting everything from class except “Me gustaria comprar una vaca” which means I would like to buy a cow and finding the one National Guardsman looking to sell a cow and getting invited to camp in New Mexico and meeting your best friend from second-grade who was forward deployed to the border and can vouch for your citizenship and calling your parents so they can fly you home and meeting a gypsy on the plane.