How to make love and influence people the Bryan Mahoney way

There are many of you out there in the blogosphere who ask me often, "Bryan, how can I be just like you?"

And I often answer, "Suck it."

But today I'm feeling an overwhelming need to connect with you, the loyal Blurb reader, and so for the first time ever I'm going to offer secrets to living life and doing things the right way, the only way, the Mahoney way.

STEP ONE: Be lazy.

I'm not as lazy as I used to be, and I'm not as lazy as my friend Dan who once challenged my wife to a lazy duel.

STEP TWO: Learn some drinking games.

Drinking games let you do two things: Win friends, and lose friends.

It's a virtual inevitability that you will do one or both should you partake in drinking games.

Here are some fun ones:

First, try shotgunning a beer.

Then, I suggest an appropriate alcohol-themed board game. Pass-Out's a good one.

Lastly, become a pro at Beer pong, also known as Beirut. But the best one is "Stumbling Tower" - get a Jenga game, write instructions on each block, and then play according to Jenga directions while at the mercy of whatever is written on the block you pull. Great fun!

STEP THREE: Talk as if you know what you're talking about.

You need what scholars call "An area of expertise." This will allow you more time to make long-winded speeches to strangers at the bar.

SCENARIO 1: The fakeout

If you work at Blockbuster, you should practice talking up movies you've never seen.

Customers asked me all the time what I thought of the movies they had. They would get indignant if I admitted I hadn't seen them.

So I started crafting eloquent lies.

"Oh, yes sir. That obscure Japanese docuhorror about errant shapes that jump off looseleaf paper to kill people is Kubrickian in its delivery, yet almost Spielbergian in the way it makes a commentary on the way World War II just OH SHUT THE HELL UP AND RENT THE MOVIE."

SCENARIO 2: The truth

You could actually talk about what you do for a living. I only know two people who can actually pull this off: One works on "Deal or No Deal;" the other used to work on SpongeBob.

STEP FOUR: Develop a marketable skill.

A few years ago some folks told me Step One just didn't work for them. So I developed Step Four. I must say it really helps in the paying-the-bills department.

The key to having skills is that they have to be good in a fight. I have video game skills; VERY good in a video game fight. I also have Origami skills; these are NEVER good in a fight.

Public speaking skills can help you get out of a fight. Aiming skills would help you point the shotgun in a fight against a zombie.

That's about it. Follow these simple steps and who knows where life will lead you? They led me to Boston, a lovely wife, and a distinguished palate for food and drink. Though these days it's much less about the drink (watching my weight and whatnot).

Thanks for joining today's episode of the Blurb. Stay tuned for tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day extravaganza, which will be all about beer. ALL about beer.