BEARD WATCH 2009

Remember this?

It's about that time again.

This marks the fourth time I've grown a beard, that manly status symbol that says to the world, "I like to hide my double chin."

My first beard was an experiment in self-flagellation. I wanted to see how long this itchy, annoying, stinking thing could be latched to my face (sounds like a girl I once dated).

I remember working at Blockbuster at the time. I used to work the floor as a salesman, offering to help customers find movies on the weekend but, more importantly for the bottom line, I was there to sell them things as sneakily as possible. My greatest triumph came from a young couple, mid-20s, whose very walk offered hints about their life story: They entered the store holding hands, but unclenched soon after when the girl beelined for the used DVDs. He held the door open for her after entering first - a premiere clue that their relationship had hit that 10-month mark some time ago (Anything less and he's straining to open the door for her, smashing his body against the door to make as much room for her as possible). I caught up with them in Horror. I started my pitch. After a few minutes of back and forth of "We only came in to look," they left the store with two movies, a Rewards membership, and a monthly subscription to the trade-in program.

My beard had nothing to do with that.

But one day while Samson I was growing in, a man was up to "S" in his reverse-alphabetical scan of the new releases. He had a meticulously trimmed face-rat across his food-hole. I asked him at what point it stop itching. "Three weeks," he said. Three months later I was still scratching at my follicles like a fat kid trying to get into a locked ice cream freezer.

Samson III was last year's effort; MUCH better (and less spotty than his grandfather.) Samson IV was the first to be professionally groomed (I had a TV debate to host and needed to look my damndest). It's got a definite New England flair to it, but eliminates most of the patchiness.

The days are numbered for Samson IV. But a few months later Samson V will bless us with new and wonderous riddles, such as, "Is that another white hair?" and "Does this make my face look fat?" We will count the days.