Jacked-up Jedi hijinks

Can't. think. of blog.

A post shall come soon about Meep Day, which is the annual Mahoney family rite of spring/winter (sprinter or wring don't work) where gifts are made, not bought. We do this instead of Valentines Day, which is celebrated by watching Army of Darkness and thumbing our collective noses at Hallmark.

Because really: Are we better off with Valentine's Day? I say nay.

Instead, here are all the references to Star Wars I've come across in the last three days:

1. At an Urban Outfitters in Connecticut yesterday, I came across a Star Wars cookbook.
   
   
2. On Family Guy, Stewie just froze a guy in Carbonite.
   
   
3. While walking in downtown New Haven, Conn. we came across a mailbox painted like R2D2.
   
   
4. I paid two bills today using the last of our Star Wars stamps which were stuck onto the reply envelopes for our wedding. Darth Vader went to car insurance; Obi Wan Kenobi has gone to the electric company.
   
   
5. While visiting Ain't It Cool News I came across an ad for Spike TV advertising the whole series.

Beard Watch 2008

IT IS DONE.

From this day onward, which I feel begun

Both in me, and without me, and so last

To perpetuity; Ay, me, that fear

Come thund'ring back with dreadful revolution

On my defenseless head; both Death and I

Am found Eternal, and incorporate both,

Nor I on my part single, in mee all

Posterity stands cursed ...

-Paradise Lost, Book X, lines 811-818

John Milton

BeardWatch 2008.

If you haven't seen me lately, here's what I look like.

A few weeks ago, the beard had a close call. A close shave, if you will.

It looked bad for the beard, when during a routine trim I got too close with the sideburn. Nearly shaved the thing clear off, which would have boded badly for the rest of the beard.

I have spent all year with facial hair. But that may soon come to an end. It will be a slightly bittersweet departure, to be sure, but it's almost spring (weatherwise, regardless of what your desk calendar says about today) and the chin yearns to breathe free.

Stay tuned.

The things you learn.

Last night I curled on the couch for much-needed rest. We went to the gym, always a bad idea after you skip it a week when you're sick.

On the History Channel there were two shows; one about beer and one about whiskey.

I learned:

An India Pale Ale is not made in India. It's a British ale that was made very hoppy so it would survive the long trip from England to India.

The Jack Daniels distillery burns its own wood to create the charcoal that it filters its whiskey through.

The most potent beer is brewed by the Sam Adams co. Called Utopias, it is 27 % alcohol.

Mexican beers Corona and Dos Equis were actually started last century by Germans and Austrians looking to make their way into the American microbrew market.

The oak barrels from the production of Jim Beam are recycled by being shipped to the Jameson distillery in Ireland where they are filled with Jameson whiskey. That whiskey is then flavored by the Jim Beam bourbon that has soaked into the barrel for the last two years.

St. Patrick the Great

And now, a word from our sponsor:

Beer.

By Psychostick.

I like beer 'cos it is good
I drink beer because I should
if there is a song to sing
I sing it and beer you bring
I drink beer when I am sad
'cuz the beer it makes me glad
now there's nothing left to say
so lets go drink beer

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
... and Stuff

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
let's go drink some BEER

BEER

when its warm it taste's real crappy
but cold beer will make me happy
when I throw up on the floor
I can go and drink some more
they say beer will make me dumb
it are go good with pizza
now that we have drunk some beer
lets go drive a car

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
....and stuff

Beer is good
Beer is good
Beer is good
let's go drink some BEER

Beer

uh dude.. I think you've had enough
...No

lets go drink some beer.

Dog on blog

http://view.break.com/468548 - Watch more free videos

One year later, and beer is still good.

Don't cry for me, Blogentina (soft G), but I have cut back significantly on beer. Since Jan. 1, I've been cutting back and cutting back. Partially it's so that I can have more time to work out (pants fit me again!) but also it has increased our budget more significantly than I would like, which means I was drinking A LOT of beer for the second half of 2007. Not all at once; but a guy does not need a beer at every meal.

Oh, who am I kidding? I miss beer. Am I sad or what?

Then I came upon my blog post from a year ago, and saw me in my spiffy new haircut, and I thought to myself, "That was a good day."

But I'm about to embark on a journey to Ra Cha Cha for the weekend, and I have a feeling beer is in my future. Sweet, glorious beer.

Hey you Democrats

Specifically, Howard Dean:

I'm no politics expert. OK, actually, I know a thing or two about politics.

Why do you not want your party to take control of the White House? Why are you pulling for John McCain to win? I mean, that's cool and all, but I thought the whole point of the primaries and the presidential race was so that your party wins. But one hell of a strategy if this is all part of the plan, then, I'm sorry.

Rather than use a valuable two-month window between state primaries to formulate a platform against the other party, you're instead going to continue infighting. I wish I had at my fingertips the results of the 2004 primaries, and when specifically you knew Kerry was your man. And Gore before him, for that matter.

At what point does Dean step in and say, "Enough already. That was fun. You win, (Barack/Hillary)."

And Florida? How worthless is Florida? "Hi. I'm a voter in Florida. I've been told my vote doesn't matter and the Democrats want to spend $10 million on a new election or a recount. But no one knows who will be expected to pay for it. Oh wait .. I do, because it will be state, federal or local taxes that foot the bill."

I mean really. Come on. I thought around this time in 2001 the Dems would have sat back and said, "Sheesh. We really fudged that. Next time let's put up a candidate who can't lose. More importantly, let's hope Bush puts the country in the crapper and then we won't even need a can't lose; we'll just need one that has a pulse."

Three years later, their prayers answered, the party has another battle for a candidate. It's always an uphill climb to unseat an incumbent, but c'mon; by the time the 2004 election rolled around the country was past forgiving the presidents' blunders (lest ye forget at one point, post-9/11, the president enjoyed fabulous ratings in the polls). Ya needed someone with a pulse. Instead you put up John Kerry.

Now you have two candidates with fire in their bellies, and you're lost. We like 'em both, you say. Well McCain, while old and past his prime and also old, is practically an incumbent. Fringe voters remember his name from 2000; and then as now he enjoyed a more middle-of-the-road reputation than his Republican contemporaries.

It's an uphill climb for one candidate, let alone two. It's a mess, and again Florida is somehow involved. Here's a thought for the free time until the next state primary: Use it to establish a party line. Pick a candidate to run with it, and stick to it. Start convincing the undecideds out there (like me) that you've actually got a game plan, and your candidate is a professional who can actually run a country.

When the writers get settled in ...

... and everything's back to normal in TV land, I hope we get some better TV. I can't say there's much grabbing me out there; even Lost has lost its luster.

The I read this article at Ain't It Cool.

Nothing would please me more than to have Ben Browder and his gang revive Farscape. But this? Well, this could be something REALLY special. Browder the movie star?! If only.

Woman sits on can for two years

Everybody see this? Good.

The next time you get yelled at for staying on the pot too long, remember: It could be worse.

Click it

What you don't know can't hurt me

Here at the Blurb we do everything in the interest of full disclosure.

Here are some facts you may find interesting. Or not. It's really up to you. To be honest, I don't care what you think. Maybe I do. No, wait ... yes, yes I do care.

1. I'm indecisive in my personal life
   
2. If I accidentally hit the Caps Lock, I'd rather type a long explanation about why I'm shouting rather than go and delete what I've written and retype it.
3. My thighs don't rub together as much when I walk as they did in January. (I've been going to the gym).
4. When I was 13 I ran a 5k with my dad. I've never in my life been able to run more than a mile. To my credit, I ran two that day. The third I cheated by climbing a berm separating the road we were running on; thereby cutting 3/4 of a mile out of the race.
5. Considering I get enough of the news at work, my main news source at home is Ain't it Cool News.
6. If I won a million dollars I would give $400,000 to charity. Two reasons: Help sick kids, and take less of a hit on the taxes. The other $600,000 would probably go to a college fund for my eventual kids, likely covering half of the tuition.
7. I have had facial hair for the whole year so far. (Actually started the beard in November, making this the longest I've ever gone.)
8. My least favorite number is 9.
9. I'm a Sudoku savant.
10. I call Marcy "Marge." Marge Fartski.

I bested a grizzly with my bare hands!

1. What is your favorite word? Seriously

What is your least favorite word? loam

2. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Writing can be all three. Also, Cadbury cream eggs.

What turns you off? Narcissism

3. What sound or noise do you love? My wife's laugh, and someone saying "I'm giving you a raise"

What sound or noise do you hate? Cicadas, my shower pipes when you turn the Cold too high

4. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I might try contract law

What profession would you not like to do? Competitive eating

5. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

I'm buying - what are you drinking?

A fistful of AWESOME

Over the weekend I had a tough decision to make. I was faced with a $27.99 price tag to own "The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters." With Marcy's discount at Barnesama Noble, that brought it down a couple buck. But now having seen it, I would easily pay twice that to see this film, and embrace it.

People, go and seek this movie. Wrap your arms around it when you do; kiss the clerk for leading you to it. Drive the speed limit back home; to get in an accident and be put into the hospital, especially a hospital without a DVD player in your room to watch this masterpiece, only to find that the movie was destroyed in the wreck and it's sold out in the greater tri-state area - that, and only that, may be likened unto death.

Because, you see, I have a vision. I have a vision that one day Congress forestalls hearings on video game violence and its fabricated studies linking said violence to actual human behavior. My vision is that one day, video games (a misnomer in many cases) are cast in the same light as short films, where each is evaluated on individual merit and art.

This film is beautiful because it both elevates and destroys that vision. It tells a compelling, human drama about a nice guy who always seems to finish last no matter how much heart he puts into life. This guy gets the shaft just for being born; yet a narcissistic blowhard slides through life by sleazing around behind the scenes.

It also offers a stereotype-enforcing portrait of every nerdy guy above 30 who is just starting to adjust to life beyond his mother's basement (these being the background characters, not the aforementioned protagonist and antagonist.) To this end, my vision of video games as anything but children's toys is millenia away from reality.

You don't need to like or care about Donkey Kong to understand this movie. It is a story of triumph, of loss, and the gutter-dumped pain that life too often brings to the wrong people.

Because it's pimp vs. hookers, that's why.

A friend asked me at work today why the story about Eliot Spitzer was such a big deal. Besides the obvious sexual deviance storyline, who cares?

There's a lot to say about it. How about the fact that the guy who partially built his reputation on busting prostitution rings now finds himself in them? Or that the guy is the married governor of New York, and having been its attorney general should be held to a slightly higher standard when it comes to enforcement of the law?

For me, though, the sad thing is this: It reminds us that people in government often get everything they have by shaking down someone weaker, smaller, and less powerful than they.

In that respect, the line between pimp and politician gets blurred.

Sick.

Whatever Marcy had last week caught up with me.

My post would have been about Jim's Steak Out, wings, and Labatts.

Instead, I give you a text frowny face.

:-(

BufBloPoFo out.

The Pod.

I'm getting cheap in my old age. I'm also beginning to see the point of view of rich, old white Republicans so intent on keeping their money.

Problem is, they also want to keep my money. So I'll remain a middle-of-the road, half- conservative half-liberal with independent tendencies.

I thought I wanted a big iPod with a million gig, but couldn't justify the $150 price. Then Marcy convinced me to go with a Shuffle, an $80 investment in making good on my $30 per month investment - that being the gym. So I took it home and put every song I could possibly have the slightest interest in hearing, and I still only half-filled it. No greater crime than wasted gig.

So this morning I left it playing a great tune - a Led Zepplin tune, and visit this link to understand my recent fascination with Robert Plant.

Here are the next ten songs.

"After the rain has fallen" - Sting

"Dazed and Confused" - Led Zepplin

Some song I don't know the title of - Led Zepplin

"Albuquerque" - Weird Al Yankovic

Another song I don't know the title of - Led Zepplin

"No Diggity" - Blackstreet

"Doorbell" - The White Stripes

"It's not over" - Daughtry

"Tell me Ma" - The Chieftans with Brak

"Englishman in New York" - Sting

The weird thing is, I have three songs by Sting on the whole stinkin' thing.

I have this, and you don't.

August, 2001. London, England.

An afternoon of British theatre yields itself to a particular thirst. Dry theatre, plus dry humor, well ... you get the idea. I was a cactus in a garden of stuffy, uppity hydrangeas.

I am alone in one the sections of Old London. Dickens could have peered from a corner to ask me for a ha'pence to call his mother. Then he'd say, "Oy, guv'nah, how do yeh use this telly phone?!"

The pub crawl commences. My feet point the way and my lips follow. Ales and porter flow everywhere. Then my buddy whiskey arrives, and he leads me through the old streets for many hours.

At almost the last pub, I meet a Frenchman named Bruno. We talk awhile of the neighborhood, of his country and mine. Somewhere during the conversation, he pulls an American $10 from his wallet.

"Do you know why I have this, Bryan?" he says.

"Uh ... no. No I don't."

"In my village in France, we have a saying. If you have an American bill in your wallet, some day the bill will become two. And those two will become four. And so on until one day, America makes you a rich man."

And I could have said a lot of things then. I could have told him (as I did a group of guys who offered me a lift one night) that in America we don't all carry guns, and we work just as hard to get the things we want in life. And some of us are better at life than others, and some of us still get left behind and forgotten. I could have told him the American dream is achieved by as much sweat and grease it takes to make it anywhere else, and our streets are not, and never have been, paved with gold.

Instead I took the Scottish five-pound note from the bar I was planning to use for my next drink.

"Bruno, you have your bill, and now I have mine," I said. "And one day, I'll make this bill become two."

O Lego, how I love thee

The following haiku all relate to my favorite toy when I was a kid.

Small, plastic wonders

O Lego, how I love thee

Sucks to step on you

A big block of blocks

What is that supposed to be?

A box? Oh hells no

A fleet of space ships

but not enough left over

For all the bad guys

Towers, forts, and worlds

It takes me just seven days

I'm a Lego god

It could be a car

But there is something missing

Just need one more red

Dusk begins to draw

From kitchen, Mom is calling

I don't want broccoli

Hey, stoopid!

Here's today's assignment, for background.

In case you're wondering what the headline has to do with what I'm about to say, let me elaborate:

Every time I feel the need to correct someone, one of my brain genies always shouts "Hey Stoopid" in the hopes that I, too, having heard the outburst will repeat it in the same, inane manner only more loudly.
(What's a brain genie? Everyone has a blue and red brain genie. You do, too. The blue one handles inert functions of everyday activity. Breathing, heartbeat, driving to work, turning the hot water on the faucet to just the right level for the shower - all of these are relegated to the blue brain genie. The red one helps accomplish complex tasks, such as balancing a checkbook or trying to figure out the boss's move pattern on world 3-4 of Super Paper Mario. Once that pattern is memorized, however, the task shifts to the blue genie. He's single-handedly responsible for my ability to beat Goonies 2 for the NES in under an hour. No need to thank me for the explanation.)

So today's BufBloPoFo topic is about the need to correct all the idiots out there.

As such, I would like to clear up some misconceptions on chili.

I know for a fact that if you put 10 chefs in a room and gave them each a set of ingredients for chili, a pot, and a broom handle with which to stir the concoction, inevitably ONE of them (or more) would find a way to use the broom handle as an ingredient.

Because there are just too many people out there who feel good chili has to have two traits: A lot of ingredients, and a factor of +8 soupiness (Since Gary Gygax, the co-founder of Dungeons and Dragons, died yesterday, I'm making at least one reference in everything I do to D&D in his honor).

Neither is true. Chili really only needs tomatoes, beans, peppers. That's it. A good chili will add onions, a variety of peppers, and hot sauce. A great chili needs only to be made by me.

OK, I overstated that a little. But where most chilis are at a +7 or +8 soupiness factor, mine usually hover at +2. And I break my own rule here because I use somewhere between 11 and 13 ingredients, if you count the pinch of sugar and hint of lime.

Chili should be thick enough so that you can eat it with a fork, and should be easily paired with a starch. Bread or rice work great.

It should be hot enough so that it's enjoyable at first, and tasty so you want more, but then it builds and builds and all of a sudden you're crying because you're ashamed at the mess you've made of your life but also the chili is hot.

So keep it simple, stoopid, for red genie's sake.

Stealing, and we're not talking baseball

So, my wife just answered yesterday's BufBloPoFo entry in about the awesomest way possible.

And, she included me. So rather than reinvent the wheel, kick it on over to her blog for my response to who I think would play me, Marcy, and Mike in a movie.
http://playtime-at-hazmat.blogspot.com/2008/03/casting-call.html

Banana's video

My friend Banana is in a comedy troupe trying to make its way in the world.

Here's one of their videos on Will Farrell's site, FunnyorDie.com.

He's the one in the pink shirt. This kind of reminds me of my bachelor party; not so much for the events that transpire but I got a distinct flashback of Banana yelling things at me.

Please spread the word and help these brothers out.

What's today? March 3?

So in keeping with the BufBloPoFo, let's forge ahead with today's topic: What went right today.

Well, lots, if by "today" you mean my life. But that's not just mundane, that's like getting elected governor of Mundania. My apologies to Piers Anthony.

Let's see what went right for other folks.

In 1887, Helen Keller began to be taught by Anne Sullivan.

In 1931, the Star-Spangled Banner was adopted as the National Anthem.

In 1969 Apollo 9 was launched. This mission tested the lunar module that would be used in the moon landings.

In 1991 Rodney King was videotaped being beaten by police. Some would argue this would have been a day that went wrong; I say, the man is alive today, and helped shed light on an unjust system.

Plus, he has a kickass catchphrase. Say this on a day going wrong, and soon everything will feel all right:

Best dang gift I ever got.

Marcy and I have this longstanding deal: We don't celebrate Valentine's Day.

Our feeling is that the world doesn't need to perform mating rituals a la a company striving to make money off them. So, screw you, Hallmark.

Instead we celebrate our own little made-up holiday, wherein we can't spend money on each other. We make each other a gift.

Over the years the gifts have varied, but last year's was nearly impossible to beat: I was given a cake in the shape of the death star.

Kick. Ass.

I wholeheartedly think every adult should try this for their next Valentines Day: Make something for your significant other. A card is a lame cop-out, but if that's all you can muster, go for it. But other suggestions include: A special meal, an illustrated book about the both of you ... maybe even a photo album.

It works every time.

Milk.

The question swirling about my brain today will be:

Did I mop up all the milk that spilled on my computer?

I mean, I think the little splash that fell on the monitor only hit the plastic, but I can't

#@&($

@$(@^&$(&@^$(&@^

#$*^&#($*^@#(*$^@#(*$^@&*^$#@&*^$..............

SYSTEM ERROR

ABORT/RETRY/SANDWICH............

What the? What the hell was that? My computer just started typ

@#^$%@^*%#

E#&($^@#(@($(@&#(*@&#*@&#

ABORT/RETRY/SANDWICH........... GIVE ME SANDWICH

Uh .. OK ... ham or turkey?

@#^*@*&#%@

#@$&^@#*&$^@*&^$@*&^$*&@^$

RYE BREAD, ONION, MUSTARD MUSTARD MUSTARD

Uh ... sorry folks, gotta go.